More than just a Puppy

I realized on my way home last night that I was feeling like the girl in Mean Girls with all of the feelings.  You know which one:

{Image from HERE}

And that really is how I have been feeling.  I am the perfect combination of sad events and lots of hormones and it is DANGEROUS.  It's really only dangerous if you don't want to witness me bursting into tears over a commercial or my coworkers or the idea of the puppies dying or mentally disabled people (all of which have brought me close to tears in the last couple of days).

When Phil and I decided to get a puppy, it was supposed to be like a celebration.  We knew that we wouldn't be getting the dog until after I was done with all the thyroid cancer treatment stuff.  And since we wouldn't be able to move towards having a baby for at least a year, the puppy was kind of like a surrogate baby.

I waited impatiently to get through the second surgery and the recovery process, then through the low-iodine diet and hypothyroidism.  Through the radioactive iodine and the whole body scan.  Two days after we get the results of my scan, the puppies were born.  And a few days after they were born, we decided we would be getting Lincoln.

It felt like our luck was changing and that maybe the hard times were behind us.  We figured the pendulum was beginning to swing in the other direction, in our favor.  As I mentioned before, I was having a hard time accepting that things were actually starting to get better, but I was slowly coming to grips with the fact that maybe we were done with the sadness and entering into a new, Spring-full chapter.

Then the puppies died.

And it felt like the pendulum was still swinging in the wrong direction.  Maybe things weren't getting better, afterall and I was right to be hesitant to feel relieved.  Maybe I am cursed and destined to have all these hard trials.

That was a horrible feeling.

And then I got just really sad.  The dog wasn't just a dog, I had kind of made it a symbol for all the things that I want to move towards: being done with cancer, moving on with life, and having babies.  For how sad I was about the puppy dying, I started to worry about all of the loss and possible heartache that could await us when we do start trying to have a family:

-  IVF can be a super emotional and heartbreaking process.  We could end up spending thousands of dollars just to come out empty-handed.  And with a lot of heartbreak.
-  Or I could get pregnant and have a miscarriage. 
-  Or if we decide to move towards adoption, there is a whole new level of potential heartache there.  We could think we have a baby and have a birth mother change her mind.  Or it could take years to find a baby. 

Thinking about all of the potential loss and sadness that could be awaiting us just seems unbearable at the moment and it all came rushing to me Tuesday night.

But the only way to avoid heartache and loss is to never try for things.  Of course your expectations go up when you are trying to have a baby or, in this case, get a puppy.  Because for the most part, things work out the way they are supposed to.  When they don't, it is disappointing.  But not trying for things that you want in life is no way to live.  And I would hate to think that I am so afraid of loss and sadness that I become unable to live my life.

It is worth the risk of being disappointed.  And when things finally work out, I know the past disappointments will be more than worth it.

{Image from HERE}

RIP Lincoln

Yesterday, we found out that Lincoln had died on Monday.  Not just Lincoln, the entire litter died.

{Bye Bye Lincoln.  You were a very cute pup.}

To say that we are sad is kind of an understatement. Phil called me yesterday morning while I was at work and it was all I could do all day to not burst into tears. I think I may have some misdirected emotions toward the puppy. More on that later.

The breeder isn't quite sure what happened. She is having the puppies all looked at to figure out for sure what why they died. She is the sweetest lady. Phil said she was crying as she talked to him on the phone.

A friend of the breeder has offered some puppies from a litter she has (a week younger than Lincoln's litter) to those of us who had the deceased puppies.  So we are still getting a puppy.  Phil and I are so grateful that she is so grateful.  We don't know much about those puppies yet.  Our breeder will get in touch with us in a couple of days (she is a little preoccupied right now) with the details. 

Hopefully our breeder and the puppies' mom will be able to get some rest (the mom was so upset about not being let back into the "puppy room" that they had to give her doggy valium).  I can't imagine how much it would suck to watch 4 puppies die.

Manic Monday

I hope everyone had a lovely weekend!  I did.  However, my Sunday was spent working.  Parked on the loveseat, with papers and my wood manual.  I have so many calculations to do in the next couple of days that I really shouldn't even be allowed breaks to eat or go the bathroom.  But you have to do what you have to do.

The breeder put another picture of Lincoln up yesterday.

{Too much milk.  I look like this after Olive Garden.}

I honestly don't think he could be any cuter.

Taylor was of course jealous of Lincoln's pose, so she attempted her own.

{On my side of the bed.}

But Taylor's picture ended up looking like a dog boudoir photo, which I am really uncomfortable with.  At least she is wearing her scarf.  She' not indecent.

My furbaby

As you are aware, we have been trying to get another dog for a few months now.  The last litter was born a couple of weeks ago and all we needed was 2 girls to be born, and we would have our puppy.  One girl was born and we were pretty bummed.  We would have to wait another month to see if we would get a dog.

Or so we thought...

Early last week, the breeder called and offered us the last puppy from that litter.  A little boy.  We originally had wanted another girl for a couple of reasons.  First, we were afraid the dog would pee everywhere.  Second, we didn't want the new dog to try and get romantic with Taylor, if you catch my drift.  She's not into that.  And we are certainly not wanting to see that.

After some discussion with the breeder about our concerns and our hopes for this dog (that he will be bonded to me since Taylor could honestly care less about me when Phil is around), we decided to take the puppy.  The breeder says girl puppies usually bond to men better than woman so a girl dog might not be the best fit for us.  In the words of the breeder's husband, "They don't call them bitches for nothing!"

So here he is:

{Photo via the breeder's facebook page}

We had a name all picked out if it was a girl: Penny (from the William Butler Yeats peom "Brown Penny").  But now we had to figure out what to name a boy dog.  My brother, Nick, suggested Lincoln since Lincoln is on the penny (such a funny guy).

{He's got a name and a tag waiting for him.  Isn't that the cutest collar?}

And the breeder thought it was a cute name and accepted it.  We should have named him "Tim Riggins".

The CUTEST video can be found HERE.  Lincoln is the one in front that falls over.  I've watched it approximately 47 times.  We only check this hourly to see if she has added new pictures.

{Lincoln's tag, collar, and dragon}

We are so excited and can't wait to bring him home in 34 days!  Not that we are counting or anything.

Taylor's excited too.  She just doesn't know it yet.