Conversations

I've been wanting to write this post for a while.  I actually wrote it the weekend after I got my scan results and was a little shy about posting it.  It isn't the best written post and I definitely wish it was better.  But the general message needs to be put out there.  I have gotten several wonderful comments regarding how strong I have been through this thyroid cancer period.  That strength is not from me.  Believe me.

The last year has been a definite test of faith for me, between the fertility news and then the cancer.  It is hard to go through things like that without thinking "why us?" or "seriously?!?  This too?"  Especially when EVERYONE around you seems to be having babies, living fabulous healthy lives, and winning the lottery (ok that might not have happened).

Not once did I feel abandoned by or angry at God.  Although I did feel like I had this conversation with God a few times:

Me:  I'm scared.

God:  I've got this all under control.  Don't worry.

Me:  How am I not supposed to worry?

God:  Just don't.  I'm here.  Trust Me.

Me:  Aren't You a little busy to be here with me?

God:  Never.

{image from HERE}

I know prayer works.  When people prayed for me to be calm and feel His peace, I felt it.  I mean, the thought of having someone cut open my throat was enough to push me into a full-on panic attack.  There isn't a doubt in my mind that if it hadn't been for God and His peace, I wouldn't have been able to handle this past year. 
During my one hour wait for my annual exam last week, between hearing fetal heart beats and running in front of pregnant women to give my urine sample, when the anxiety and worry of everything was getting to be just a little too much... I prayed.  I prayed for His peace to come over me.  I prayed for His comfort.  I prayed that everything would be fine.  And I prayed that if something did come back strange, that that it would be caught early, with an easy fix like last time.  And while I was still anxious and I was still scared, it was manageable.  And I felt God's presence with me.

I'm not saying that there won't be other challenges in the future for Phil and I.  I know there will be.  But I also know that I am not alone. 

And I know when we get ready to start the fertility stuff, I won't need to worry.  God's got it.

Thankful for the stillness

Last night, my friend Danielle sent me a text message with a picture attached to it. The picture was of a page out of her devotional, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. She said she had read this and thought of me.

Case and point that God speaks to us in mysterious ways.

I think it was exactly what I needed.

I have spent a lot of time waiting and wishing for things to be done.  Waiting for test results.  Wishing for surgeries to be done, diets to be over, scans to be finished.  Waiting for Phil to be done with school.  Waiting (very impatiently) for babies.

I have at least a year of waiting until we can start fertility treatments (which will be more waiting and wishing).  And I do not want to wish away over a year of my life.  While I want a baby more than anything else, it would be extremely short-sighted and immature of me to just sit and pout, hoping time will pass by me more quickly.

Phil and I are not people who think everything happens for a reason (afterall, his brother died in a car accident, his dad has liver cancer, and I have thyroid cancer).  And I can't believe that God purposely wants people to get sick and die (examples would be children with terminal illnesses, people who are in terrible accidents and suffer, 9/11).  God is loving and protects us.  But I do think God uses circumstances in our lives to deliver His messages and draw us closer to Him.
I need to sit and listen and look for the things God wants me to do while I am waiting.  And rather than doubt and stress over what the future may hold, I need to sit, be quiet, and trust in Him.

2010/2011 and Faith

In a convoluted way, I found THIS POST. It really got me thinking...







2010 has been quite the year, full of ups and downs. There were definitely more ups than downs for me personally and I am ever so grateful for that. I know not everyone can say the same thing. But it has really gotten me thinking about things and that post definitely had something to do with it.







In general, I find New Years to be really depressing. It could be that I haven't really had a steller one probably ever. After a couple of crappy ones in a row, I kind of gave up on the concept of New Year's Eve. I pretty much lay low now.







But I find the idea of a blank slate to be kind of scary. The unknown of an entire year. So much can happen in a year, both good and bad. The good I can handle. The bad terrfies me. I wish I could be the type of person that found the prospect of a new year to be an exciting thing, but lately I am not that kind of a person.




Lately I have realized how much I struggle with faith (not just my mother-in-law). I have always been a Christian and I have never doubted my beliefs in Christ. Even through dating an avid aetheist, I never once doubted God. In fact, dating an aetheist only enforced my beliefs (turns out having someone question your every belief can be an awesome way to affirm them). I struggle mostly with trusting God and having faith that he will provide.

On a day when I am feeling rational, I don't struggle so much. On those days, I know that my lack of faith in God providing for me is entirely rooted in the fact that I take all that he has provided to me for granted.

On my less rational days, I think of all of the people who have bad things happen to them. I think of statistics. Obviously the odds of having a tragedy happen to your family are slim, but tragedies DO happen to people. On my less rational days, I fear being that small percentage. And it terrifies me. I have felt this way for a long time and I know it is something I need to work on.

Today, I read this quote:

So that is what I am going to do. I need to accept that I am going to have irrational days and I am going to be afraid. But I need to trust God, have faith, and live in spite of all of the horrible things that can happen.



And even though most people think New Year's resolutions are dumb, I think I am going to try and set some. But I am going to do it with Donald Miller's rules. I am going to set resolutions that help enhance my life story. I am a couple of days behind, but I am definitely going to do it.



Stay posted...



Love, Mrs. Janney