Skipping Thanksgiving

Things have been really hard around here.

We are into November now.  Phil is home (YAY!) but with being home comes a big dose of reality.  We don't know when his dad will pass away, although we think it will be sooner rather than later.  Phil's feeling stressed about his dissertation.  Can't say that I blame him.

The change in time and change in the weather has made it darker, colder, and gloomier around here.  It takes me back to a couple of years ago, when we were trying to get my thyroid nodules figured out.  The phone call at 4:55 to come to the doctor's office.  The LONGEST 5 minute drive with my dad, in the dark, while it rained.  And all that followed.  Even though things turned out alright, the fear still feels real and current.

So many hard things coming up and hard memories from the past, all at the same time.

It is making being thankful at Thanksgiving seem like an impossible challenge.

A combination of everything kind of makes me want to just skip Thanksgiving.  Can we start focusing on Christmas?  I want to decorate.  Christmas lights.  A Christmas tree.  Cider.  Presents.  Scented candles.

My baby's 1st Christmas.  I want to just bask in that.

But I think Phil might not go for it.  Doesn't mean I can't start preparing.  Part of the preparations includes STOCKINGS.  Henry needs a Christmas stocking.  A proper one, with his name.  I'm thinking something like this:

{Pottery Barn Stockings}

Even though he won't remember this Christmas at all, it is time to start the Christmas traditions.  And when the dark, cold nights start to make me remember scary times from the past or sad times yet to come, I will try to remember that this is Henry's 1st holiday season.  And I am grateful and excited for that.

1 Year Later

I know there have been a lot of mushy posts lately.  But I am not really going to apologize.  It has been a challenging year and after hearing you have cancer (even if it is just thyroid cancer), things just aren't the same.  And that's partially because my hormones are now toyed with every three months and partially because cancer just changes things.

I rarely post on Saturday (mostly because not many people read my blog on the weekends).  But today is different.

Today marks the 1 year anniversary of when my nodules (Ned and Noami) were discovered.

I'm not sure I will ever forget exactly when the nurse felt them and the fear and anxiety that rushed through my body.  She told me that most likely they would be benign, but we needed to get them checked out.  And she's right... about 95% of all thyroid nodules are benign.  And I didn't even have the most common kind of thyroid cancer.  I'm just lucky I guess.  :)

Every step of that process was scary.  And it didn't help that there were days between appointments and very little answers for months.  Heck, it took from the beginning of July to the end of November to even find out it was cancer, something I am not pleased about in the least.

If you had asked me a year ago what I thought my life would be like in a year, I would have said I would be pregnant or have a baby.  I would have guessed that my husband and I would have navigated our way through infertility and stressfully made it through.  And that's what I hoped.  But that's not how things turned out at all. 

I have a baby now, but he is hairy and bites a lot.

And my husband and I are so much closer and it was stressful at times, but it isn't because of infertility.  Having him by my side as I cried anxiously before surgery, trying to make me laugh through the times and the fear.  Telling me everything would be alright even though he told me later he was very scared.  Having him wake up every 4 hours while sleeping next on the couch to make sure I ate and got my pain meds after both of my surgeries.  And watching as he made me meal after meal of low-iodine food.  We are so much closer now and I love him so much more than I did before.  He's the kind of man I want my future son(s) to be and my future daughter(s) to marry.  I got me a winner.

While I really wish I hadn't had to go through the last year and have cancer, I think it has changed me for the better.  And I am starting to see the blessings from things that used to seem like burdens I had to bear:

-  Along with a goiter and thyroid cancer, I was found to have Hashimoto's Disease.  It is an auto-immune disease that causes the body to attack the thyroid.  It causes swings in thyroid hormones which can make managing it difficult.  And auto-immune diseases run in my dad's side of the family.  Premature greying of the hair, pernicious anemia, rhumatoid arthritis, vitiligo... several of my family members are afflicted with these conditions.  In my case, my Hashimoto's could help keep my thyroid cancer from coming back since my body will attack any thyroid cells that could possibly show up in my body.  Sucks for my relatives... Awesome for me.

-  If it hadn't been for the infertility, I don't know if my thyroid nodules would have been found.  I had had an enlarged thyroid for over 10 years and it wasn't until I mentioned the fertility issues that someone carefully examined it.  If the fertility issues weren't there, my tumor could have grown, broke out of the capsule and spread to my other organs.  In an ironic twist of fate, infertility may have saved my life.  It's just one example of our alike Guiliana Rancic and I are.

-  I am very afriad that my cancer will come back or I will get another type of cancer.  But since I have already had cancer, I will be getting regular check-ups to make sure everything is ok.  In a lot of ways, I am better off than most people.

There are so many more, but this is getting a little long.

Thinking back, I get a little emotional.  I'm pretty sure I will burst into tears during my annual exam next week.  But that's ok.  I'm ok being that weirdo.

Phil and I may bust out some sparkling wine tonight to toast the anniversary of finding my nodules.  It was an important day on the road to getting healthy and making sure I get to be with him for many years to come.

The Best Bad News

... that's how Phil put it.  And that really is what it was.

I have follicular thyroid cancer.
One of the nodules came back as cancer.  Naomi, I believe.  And I am pretty sure the other one came back as benign.

It is Minimally Invasive Follicular Carcinoma.  The edges were well defined.  It was completely encapsulated.  It was small.  That all means that the likelihood that it would have spread is very small.  All the lymph nodes they took and tested came back normal.

The surgeon had me do a chest x-ray to check for any obvious spreading to the lungs and we already heard back that it was normal.

The best bad news.

It wasn't the news we were hoping to hear.  I definitely wanted to hear benign.  It usually isn't good when a doctor who previously recommended not having surgery says to you, "You made a good decision having the surgery."  Whatevs.

But I am also kind of relieved because the news definitely could have been worse.  It could have been a more aggressive type of cancer.  The tumor could have been bigger.  Both nodules could have been malignant.  It could have spread all into my thyroid.  None of those things are true.

So like Phil said... it is the best bad news we could have gotten.  And for that we are grateful.

It is weird to be sad and grateful all at the same time.

{The orchid Logan and Rikkie brought me before my surgery.  It is beautiful and I am hoping I don't kill it.}

So that is that.  I will update more later.  I don't need this post to reach novella lengths.  And I will do my best to not have this entire blog be solely devoted to my thyroid (or lack thereof I suppose).  But seeing how this will be one of my primary activites for 2012, it will probably make a few appearance.  My mother has recently been amused/horrified by my dark sense of humor, so hopefully it will at least be amusing.  Even if it isn't, that's life I guess.  As I mentioned in my previous post, I CAN'T STAND people who gloss over the messy things in life so they appear to be perfect.  I mean really... they aren't fooling anyone.  Whoa tanget.

I digress.   Can you tell this post was written in two sittings?

Here we go...

Last tuesday I gave birth to Ned and Naomi (my thyroid nodules) via C-Section (right hemithyroidectomy).  Today I find out if one or both of my little twins is cancer or not.

I didn't think I was going to be this nervous about the appointment.  After I woke up from my surgery last week, I just felt so relieved.  The whole drive home and that entire night... I just felt this huge sense of relief.  And then when people started asking me if I was anxious having to wait a whole week to find out...

Well now that you mention it... SURE!

{Image from my pinterest}

At first, it seemed like I wasn't really going to be too affected by it.  Afterall, I had basically already been told I had cancer.  I thought I had gone through the grieving process.

But then the OHSU pathologist gave me some hope.  That really made me hopeful.  I mean, I thought cancer was basically a sure thing and here maybe it wasn't.  Now I keep thinking about just how WONDERFUL it would be for things to come back benign.  That sounds stupid.  Obviously it would be wonderful if I didn't have cancer. 

The likelihood that I would die from complications with thyroid cancer is very small.  So in reality, finding out I have thyroid cancer isn't going to mean I might die or anything (at least the way it has been explained to me by my doctors), it will just be a HUGE pain for the next yearish.

(i.e. babies get delayed EVEN MORE.  We'll have to have a post about that sometime.)

This whole thing started almost exactly 6 months ago.  To finally have an answer and especially if the answer is no cancer... I honestly just can't even describe how that would feel.

After this appointment, at least I will know.  Either way... I will know and we will have a plan of attack.  Either we move towards kicking cancer's ass or we move onto bigger and better things.  At least we will be moving.

I am hopeful.  I am prepared.  I am praying.

Let's do this.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Honestly, the speed with which I update on this will likely depend on what the news is and how I feel about it.  I'll do my best.

Surgery Day

It is the morning of my surgery.  My surgery isn't scheduled until 2:30 this afternoon, so I have been spending my morning packing an overnight bag (just in case I end up having to stay at the hospital tonight), preparing the house for when I get home, and doing my best to not accidentally drink something (which is much harder than you would think).

One of our pastors is coming over before we leave for OHSU to pray with me and I am hoping that helps calm my nerves.  And this morning people have been sending me messages and prayers which has been helping too.

Side Note:  Why is it when you know you can't eat or drink, your mouth starts watering like crazy?  I swear I have produced more saliva this morning than any other day in my life.

Anyway... if you feel like it today, please say a prayer for me today.  I am praying for a safe and easy surgery, a good recovery, and benign test results.  That would honestly be the best gift ever.

I am so ready to be rid of Ned and Naomi and get this thyroid stuff behind me.  It seems crazy to me that it has taken almost 6 months to get to this point.

Thanks guys!  I will try to update you guys as much as possible.

Love, Mrs. Janney

Surgery Concerns (somewhat humorous)

I am nervous about surgery.  I think that is totally normal.  It would probably be weird if I wasn't a little nervous before surgery.  There are a couple of concerns I have, which range from normal to completely irrational.

1.  What if the surgeon slips and accidentally cuts my artery?

This would qualify as an irrational surgery.  The surgeon works at probably the best hospital in the state.  Plus she's been a surgeon for 30 years.  And she is double certified as an ENT surgeon and a microvascular (I think) surgeon which I think means she is specialized in veins.  And finally, she has multiple awards in her waiting room, toting her as one of the top 100 surgeons in America for thyroid care, thyroid cancer, and neck surgery.


2.  General anesthia.

I think this is a rational fear as there are always risks when you undergo genearl anesthia.  I have been under before and everything was just fine, so that makes me feel better.  But seeing as this is my major concern, the anxiety has been kind of hard to manage.  It is almost to the point where the thought of having cancer has been out of my mind because I am so worried about the surgery (that is stupid).

So I came up with what I thought was a good remedy for my anxiety.  I have been watching episodes of Dr. 90210.  There are 6 seasons on Netflix.  That is a bunch of people who undergo anesthia VOLUNTARILY and all come out fine.

{Source}

It is kind of helping.  I think I should be a therapist.


3.  What in the world will a wound in the neck feel like?

This sparked an interesting conversation with Phil last night.  I think with certain surgeries, you kind of know what to expect.  When I had surgery on my feet, I knew it would hurt to walk.  When you have your wisdom teeth taken out, you know your mouth will hurt.  But I have never had a wound to the neck.  And you don't really realize how much you use your neck.  Not to mention that the neck is just a vulnerable spot in general (i.e. no bones or anything protecting it).  So I told Phil this last night and here is how that went.

Phil:  Well, it won't actually hurt.

Me:  What?

Phil:  They will do the stitches and the cutting while you are out, so it won't hurt.

Me:  Are you serious?

Phil:  Yeah.  What would you feel?

Me:  Are you telling me that after I am out of surgery, you don't think it will hurt?

Phil:  Well I am sure you will have a little pain...

Me:  Are you kidding me?

We talked it out.  Turns out Phil has never had surgery or stitches, so he really doesn't have any experience to base his opinion on.  He did manage to make me feel like a big baby though.  We defined what is classified as "sharp" or "dull" pain.  I hate to say it, but... Men.

Ten Little Things, 2nd edition

Elizabeth with E Tells Tales is doing another link up.  Since last weeks was a bunch of fun, I decided to give it a shot again.  Make sure you read all 10 because the BEST is the last one.  Hopefully this becomes a regular thing.

10.  I wanted to go to the gym last night, but I ended up having to have more bloodwork done and my blood pressure was pretty low (and since I am anxious this is even more impressive), so we bagged it.  Later last night, Phil and I were talking about how the dog has gained some weight (she has gained 1/10th of her body weight in 6 months).  Phil mentioned that he was giving her less dog food to help her lose weight.  The dog immediately looked at me and her look said, "I'm not the only one that could lose some weight."  Then I swear her next look finished it off with, "Fatty."  So I am now getting guilt trips from my dog.


9.  It just so happens that Phil's parents will be in town when I have my surgery.  And because I figure there will be a fair amount of laying around and resting on my agenda for during their visit, I know we will be hanging out at home a lot.  In our living room we have a sofa, a loveseat, and a recliner.  Since I will be sprawled out across the sofa, I have recently been worried about where Phil and his parents will sit.  Two people really don't sit well on the loveseat, so we could be his mom on the loveseat.  And then his dad could sit on the recliner, but what about Phil?  Will he sit on the floor?  Or maybe I should lay across the loveseat?

Bottom line... WHO CARES?  They won't care.  Definitely one of the dumbest things to worry about.


8.  My sister-in-law informed me that my youngest nephews, Jacob and David, are looking forward to my surgery (since the surgery will help make me better).  They have a countdown going.  She told me today they said, "Only 9 days 'til Christmas!!  And only 11 days until Aunt Natalie's surgery!!"  How cute is that?


7.  The gym got new aerobic equipment last month and I was a little too excited about it.  Based on the schematic they had displayed in the gym, it looked like they were going to have individual televisions in them which meant I wouldn't have to watch the Food Network while I worked out.

Side Note:  Why do so many people like to watch the Food Network while they work out?  It is ALWAYS on when I go to the gym.  It reminds me of the scene in Honey I Shrunk the Kids, where they use the piece of cookie to get the ant to walk.  It is weird.

Anyway, I was wrong about the equipment.  No TVs.  But they do have little fans in them, which is nice.  Helps drown out the excessive perfume stench that follows some people.  Is it really necessary to wear a bottle of perfume to the gym?  The answer is no.


6.  Speaking of ants, we have been having a little problem with ants at the office.  This is kind of to be expected:  in the lunch room, when you leave some food on your desk, near the candy dish.  The one place you don't expect to have an ant problem?  THE BATHROOM.  There is nothing like finishing peeing, standing up and seeing a sugar ant crawling on the toilet seat.

I now have peeing references in both of my lists.


5.  Eventually, one of these lists is going to be reasons Tim Riggins is amazing.  I could come up with 10 reasons... EASY.


4.  Phil told me today that he has to go to Las Vegas in January to speak about some of the work he has been doing for the Mint Growers.  I am so proud of him that all of this work he has been doing is paying off.  Also, I am thinking it is an excellent excuse for me to go to Vegas.  He'll need emotional support, right?


3.  I have a hard time listening to people eat when I am not eating.  When Phil has a snack or if I finish eating first, I have to constantly remind myself that it is stupid to get made at him for eating.  I have an inner dialogue with myself saying, "Phil deserves to eat.  Phil deserves to eat."  Usually this works.  One of my co-workers was telling me that her husband also hates listening to people eat.  It drives him nuts too (Thank goodness because now I know I am not totally crazy-cakes).  I told her about my inner-dialogue.  She then told her husband.  And now apparently when he finishes eating, he says, "My family deserves to eat.  My family deserves to eat."  They laugh.  No one gets yelled at.  It works.  Happy meal times.


2.   The dog has an infected nail and has to take antibiotics three times a day for a week.  Since the pills are big and she isn't stupid, we have to hide the pills in food to get her to take them.  Her food of choice is cheese.  So basically, the dog is getting half a slice of packed cheese 3 times a day.  This should really help with that extra weight she is putting on.  Plus by the end of the week, she will expect cheese the morning, when we get home, and before bed.


1.  I saved the best for last.

I had an appointment with the endocrinologist this afternoon before my surgery.  I wasn't too nervous about the appointment because, as I told Phil before we went, there really wasn't anything new she could tell me.  When the doctor comes in, she starts talking to me about how brave I have been and that she has talked with the surgeon about me.  She starts to describe my surgery and she keeps referencing the side of my neck where there are no nodules.  Ned and Naomi are on the right, not the left.  I'll just give a play by play for you:

Endo:  She [the surgeon] will remove the left lobe of the thyroid.

Me:  Why the left?  My nodules are on the right.

Endo:  No you have a large nodule on the left.

Me: {trying to stay calm} No they have always been on the right.

Endo:  No.  My notes here say you have a 4 cm nodule on the left lobe.  Let me get the ultrasound to show you.  {Shuffles through papers}  See... Nodule.

Me:  {Starting to freak out now}  Why are we just NOW talking about this then?!?!

Endo:  Well let's do another ultrasound to double check.

So I get on the exam table.

Endo:  You first ultrasound says you have a 4 cm nodule.

Me:  I don't think you are looking at my chart.  I don't think that is my name on the ultrasound pictures.

Endo:  Oh... You are right.  I'm sorry.

Needless to say it really instilled a lot of confidence.  I thought for sure after I got cancer, my doctor would learn my name.  I gave her a pretty hard time about it the rest of the appointment, you know... after she looked at MY chart.  She later confirmed with me that I would have to come see her every 3 months for basically the rest of my life.  Here's how that went:

Endo:  We will get to know each other very well.

Me:  Yes.  I'm NATALIE.

We all laughed.  I'm a little terrified.

Seriously, she is SUPER highly recommended so I am not too concerned.  I just might wear a name tag at my next appointment.

Hope everyone has a good weekend!  Thanks for hosting the link-up E!!

I'm growing twins in my neck

Please excuse my absence from blogging this weekend.  I was doing my best to keep my anxiety level as low as possible.  You see... this morning I had an appointment with my endocrinologist.

I haven't mentioned full details on the blog, and I am not really sure why.  In July, the doctor found a thyroid nodule during my annual exam.  After having an ultrasound and some bloodwork done, it was revealed that I had 2 nodules (the twins, Ned and Naomi as Phil named them), hyperthyroidism, and Hashimoto's Disease.

I had an appointment in August (late August) with an endocrinologist (endo as we will refer to in the future, partially because endocrinologist is long and partially because I never spell it correctly).  She ordered more bloodwork and schedule a biopsy of the big nodule for September.

At my appointment in September, it is revealed that I no longer have hyperthyroidism but now I have hypothyroidism which completely explains why I felt like CRAP.  You would not believe how much thyroid levels can effect all aspects of how you feel.  I went from having weird heart feelings, sweating all of the time, with super achy feet and legs to having no energy and being cold all of the time.  Because I now was underactive, she wanted to put me on some thyroid meds and wait 2 months to see if the twins shrunk.

That brings us to today.  My fun fun FUN appointment to check my bloodwork and see if the twins had shrunk.  The good news is that my thyroid levels were down in a good range, pretty much right where she wanted them to be.  The bad news is that the nodules didn't really shrink.  Ned, the large one, got a little bit smaller while Naomi, the littler one, got a little bit bigger.  So she wants to biopsy both of them.

And while none of that is bad news necessarily, it wasn't at all what I really wanted to hear.  I was convinced the nodules had gotten smaller and was really hoping to hear, "Congratulations!  The nodules are smaller and there is NO WAY you could have thyroid cancer!!"  After spending the afternoon freaking out a little, crying some, and googling (BAD NATALIE!!), I am feeling a little better.

The reality is that thyroid cancer is really rare and odds are that the nodules will both be benign.  Even if they aren't, it is most likely that they are the types of thyroid cancer that have an excellent cure rate and after a little surgery and some radiation, I will be fine.  But tell that to my stress level.

Even if it is the best kind of cancer, I still don't want to deal with it!  And I keep going back to feeling like there are so many things going on in my life right now that a 26 year old shouldn't have to deal with.

I am trying to deal with those feelings and really just put my trust and my faith into God because I know He will take care of me.  Last week I had this huge sense of calm that everything is going to ok and there isn't a doubt in my mind that the feeling came from Him.

I go in for my biopsies (remember... there are multiple) on Wednesday.  I am, thankfully, not afraid of needles too much.  They aren't my favorite things in the world, but I can handle them.  Even so, I am not looking forward to getting poked in the neck 8 to 10 times.  And my anxiety about the whole thing is really starting to get the best of me.  My appetite is starting to disappear.  This happened to me in high school and all I could stand to eat was orange juice.  I lost like 10 pounds in a week.

I would really appreciate any and all prayers you can send my way for the biopsy, my anxiety, and the results (let's pray for good, non-cancer results).  I am so thankful for the friends and family who have supported me so far in this process.  It means so much to me to have you all there for me. 

So now you are up to date.  Man that was long.