2010 has been quite the year, full of ups and downs. There were definitely more ups than downs for me personally and I am ever so grateful for that. I know not everyone can say the same thing. But it has really gotten me thinking about things and that post definitely had something to do with it.
In general, I find New Years to be really depressing. It could be that I haven't really had a steller one probably ever. After a couple of crappy ones in a row, I kind of gave up on the concept of New Year's Eve. I pretty much lay low now.
But I find the idea of a blank slate to be kind of scary. The unknown of an entire year. So much can happen in a year, both good and bad. The good I can handle. The bad terrfies me. I wish I could be the type of person that found the prospect of a new year to be an exciting thing, but lately I am not that kind of a person.
Lately I have realized how much I struggle with faith (not just my mother-in-law). I have always been a Christian and I have never doubted my beliefs in Christ. Even through dating an avid aetheist, I never once doubted God. In fact, dating an aetheist only enforced my beliefs (turns out having someone question your every belief can be an awesome way to affirm them). I struggle mostly with trusting God and having faith that he will provide.
On a day when I am feeling rational, I don't struggle so much. On those days, I know that my lack of faith in God providing for me is entirely rooted in the fact that I take all that he has provided to me for granted.
On my less rational days, I think of all of the people who have bad things happen to them. I think of statistics. Obviously the odds of having a tragedy happen to your family are slim, but tragedies DO happen to people. On my less rational days, I fear being that small percentage. And it terrifies me. I have felt this way for a long time and I know it is something I need to work on.
Today, I read this quote:
So that is what I am going to do. I need to accept that I am going to have irrational days and I am going to be afraid. But I need to trust God, have faith, and live in spite of all of the horrible things that can happen.
And even though most people think New Year's resolutions are dumb, I think I am going to try and set some. But I am going to do it with Donald Miller's rules. I am going to set resolutions that help enhance my life story. I am a couple of days behind, but I am definitely going to do it.
Love, Mrs. Janney