I Wish I Knew

The other day, I was flipping through some old photos on my phone and I was surprised by my own reaction to several of the pictures.

It wasn't that the photos were provocative or anything, but looking at these pictures took me back to that time.  And suddenly I remembered exactly what was going on at that moment and what I was feeling when that picture was taken.

Our Wedding Day

I was so excited to be marrying my best friend.  It was the best decision I could have ever made.


Our First Anniversary (2011) - Snoqualmie

We had just recently gotten some fertility test results back and they weren't exactly what they were supposed to be.  It took probably a month and half after we got those results for us to be able to talk about them with each other without tears being involved.  We hadn't started looking into fertility stuff yet, but we had decided we would start.  It was a lovely trip.  A chance to rest and spend some much needed time together.  But there was definitely a somber vibe.


August 2011 - Tegan's Wedding, State Fair, Family Camping Trip

We had picked a fertility clinic, but they didn't want us to start anything until we had my thyroid nodules figured out.  I was so scared that my nodules would be cancer, but I would have to wait until the end of the month to see an endocrinologist (gotta love specialists).  I basically spent the whole month terrified and counting down the days until my appointment.


Gorge Half Marathon

We tried to live life, waiting for my biopsy that would be about a week or so later.  In reality, my biopsy ended up being like 3 weeks later, after about 3 more attempts to get it scheduled and my doctor in her office.  You would think if they suspect you had cancer, you would get answers quickly.  I didn't know that it didn't always work like that.



Honestly, I don't have a ton of pictures from 2012.  I spent most of it just trying to get through whatever came next.  But it was a reminder of just how much Phil and I have been through.  And to look at those pictures and remember those feelings now, knowing that I currently show no signs of having cancer and am expecting our baby boy in just over a few months... I wish I had known then that things were going to work out.

I need to remember that.  I know we will be faced with more trials and struggles in the future, but we will get through those too.  And being scared isn't going to help at all.