Beam Me Up

Ok I actually thought of several different titles for this post.  Other options included "Ode to Iodine" or "My Week in the Car" or something stupid like that.

Yesterday was my date with my radioactive iodine dose.  Tomorrow morning I go in for my scan and blood test.  Prayers and good thoughts are needed since I really REALLY REALLY don't want there to be anything weird on that scan or blood test.

Ugh.

It has been interesting week, to say the least.  Especially since Phil has been gone so I've been having to take care of the dogs and myself (which isn't a big deal but usually Phil helps A LOT with the dogs... and me who am I kidding).  But I have figured that getting shots in the butt really isn't too big of a deal.  And that is probably a good thing since I am hoping to do some fertility treatments which could very possibly involve multiple shots in the hip.

However, that nice little pregnancy test blood draw is turning into quite the lovely raised bruise.  Probably because he used an actual syringe to suck the blood out.  I've never had that done before.  By the time I get done tomorrow, I will have had 5 pokes in 5 days (3 different blood draws, 2 shots).  I am a human pin cushion.

Also, I am too young to be dealing with this crap.  For example, when I was waiting at the hospital yesterday  for my pregnancy test results (thanks for adding insult to injury hospital.  I could have told you I wasn't pregnant without the $50 blood test that my insurance won't cover even though it was required) before my dose, I took a look around.  I was the only person under 60 in the waiting room.  That's because people in their 20's aren't supposed to have to do this crap.  Hopefully this is my last one.

Secretly I am hoping that this little dose of radioactive iodine will finally give me a super power.  Totally likely, right?

And since I am trying to do my best to stay calm and not freak out, here is another picture from the beach:

I get to go back to eating normally on Saturday.  :)  2 more days!!

Our Infertility Story PART 2

(continued from PART 1...)

The next Thursday was my annual. It had been a year, so it was time to get it done. And I figured I would just get it out of the way. Afterall, the fertility clinic was going to insist I have a recent pap smear done and in their file.

I was so anxious for the appointment. At the time I had no idea why. Now I know it was a surge of thyroid hormones which had caused my extreme anxiety. I told the nurse doing my exam about our struggle to have a baby and our recent appointment with the fertility doctor. She decided that since I had been struggling to get pregnant, she was really going to do a thorough examination of my thyroid (which had been enlarged for at least 10 years).

That's when she found the nodule. Which turned out to be nodules. But I am pretty sure she found the cancerous one.

{Snoqualmie Falls, June 2011.  Our anniversary trip. 

A much needed break for us during the infertility stuff.}

I still remember the shot of anxiety that went through my body. Of course she reassured me that 95% of all nodules are benign, but I needed to get it checked out to be sure.  What followed were some blood tests, a neck ultrasound (can I just say waiting for a diagnostic ultrasound when you are infertile is like torture.  I saw AT LEAST 4 couples coming out with huge smiles on their faces and pictures of their developing fetus in their hands), and a referrel to an endocrinologist.

It took all my strength to not cry right there.  I was so afraid and at the time so SURE something was wrong.  It could have been intuition, but honestly I think I was driven by my anxiety and fear.  Some of the posts about my journey to the thyroid cancer diagnosis can be found HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE.

I just can't believe how much has happened since last Easter. I had no idea what was ahead of me. I had no idea the pain and fear and craziness that was awaiting us.

I looked at Phil and said, "I am so glad it isn't this time last year." And then I thought about this next year. At the very least, we will have to wait this year next year to start fertility treatments. But I will take it. After everything that has happened this past year, I can take a year of waiting.

I pray and pray and pray that my scan comes back clear. Assuming everything comes back alright, Phil and I are starting to come up with quite a wonderful list of things to do in hopefully our last year without a baby (or pregnant if you will).

I am hopeful that, eventually, I will get pregnant and have my baby. And when I do, I will be able to look down at him/her and thank him/her for taking so long to get here. He/She may have saved my life in doing so.

So please, if you will, send some prayers my way. Prayers that the Radioactive Iodine treatment kills any and all remaining thyroid and thyroid cancer cells. And prayers that the scan comes back clear (that the cancer hadn't spread).  Prayers for peace and comfort during the next couple of weeks.

Phil and I are so appreciative of every kind word and prayer that is said for us.  Your support means a lot to me.  Thank you so much from the bottom of my radioactive heart.  :)

Our Infertility Story PART 1

I haven't talked much on here about our infertility story.  The "I" word has been dropped a few times and definitely alluded to, but the details haven't been shared.  For a while I think it was because Phil and I were a little ashamed.  After we got over that and realized the only reason infertile couples feel ashamed is because it isn't talked about enough, we branched out a little.

Since I am currently in one of the last steps of my thyroid cancer treatment (God willing), it seemed like a good time to discuss how I found out about the cancer.  And in our case, infertility helped in finding my cancer.  Not to be too dramatic, but infertility may have saved my life.

..................................................................................

Easter Sunday we went to church and then to my parents's house for dinner.  After dinner, we went to my dad's cousin's widow's house (did you follow that?) for an Easter egg hunt and dessert.  The drive to the Easter egg hunt was about an hour.  During the drive, Phil did his weekly phone call with his parents and drove (hands-free, don't worry) while I sat.

And it got me thinking...

I remember Easter last year.  We had just found out again that I wasn't pregnant and I had a feeling that things just weren't right.  Even though statistically it can take up to a year to get pregnant, for our age, it really shouldn't take longer than 6 months.  And we were past that.  We had decided we were going to explore some fertility tests to figure things out.

I remember thinking how sad I was that day.  Talking to my family was hard because I was just so upset that I wasn't pregnant.

Oh how little I knew at the time.

{The Columbia River Gorge, Oct. 2011.  I just think every post needs a picture.}

A couple of weeks after that, we got some of our fertility tests back.  Things weren't normal.  And nobody would really tell us what it meant.  We would need to see a reproductive endocrinologist for that.

For about a month and a half after that, we could hardly look at each other without bursting into tears.  There is something so fundamentally heartbreaking about having fertility issues.  I still can't figure out exactly why that is.  I think it could be because reproducing is such a basic human ability so many take for granted.  I mean, 16-years-olds can get pregnant in the back of cars.  Surely a responsible, financially stable, married couple should be able to have a baby.

When we had finally dealt with the news, we decided it was time to move forward and find a reproductive endocrinologist.  We are fortunate enough to live close to a couple of wonderful fertility clinics who offer several open houses and free seminars.  And since this is a HUGE decision to make (I think everyone is aware how expensive fertility treatments can be), we wanted to be completely informed when we picked a clinic and a doctor.

After 2 months of research, we had picked a clinic.  A couple of weeks after that, we had an appointment.  The appointment was excellent.  The nursing and administrative staff were so helpful.  The doctor walked us through every possible procedure.  And we left with the doctor saying, "We are going to get you pregnant by the end of the year."  We left feeling totally optimistic and with instructions to call on the first day of my next cycle.

That was a Thursday...

(It was a super long post, so I split it in 2.  Come back for PART 2 tomorrow...)

Cancer. Now what?

As for what the next step is? I guess I am not really sure.

There is a fair bit of irony here.  Before I knew the results of the pathology, I kept telling myself that even if it was cancer, I would at least know and we had a plan (surgery and radioactive iodine).  Well, that isn't exactly the case.

The surgeon said she didn't necessarily recommend taking the rest out and doing the radioactive iodine. I believe the words she used were "overly aggressive." Honestly, considering she recommended against the first surgery I'm not sure her new recommendation against the second surgery sits very well with me. AND when the word "cancer" is being thrown around, I think I am ok with being "overly aggressive."

She is going to take my case to the tumor board, I am going to talk to my endocronologist (after I remind her my name), and then the decision is mine to make. They are probably going to have to make a pretty amazing argument against the second surgery for me to not to do.

I mean, what are the likely consquences? A neck scar? Already there. Take an thyroid pill daily for the rest of my life? There too.

And since further treatment will help minimize the risk of it coming back and spreading, it kind of feels like a no brainer to me. But I'm no doctor.

The next surgery can't be scheduled for at least 6-8 weeks after the first one anyway, so there is time to figure things out.

After having the weekend to think things through and after a short conversation with one of my pastors today (who had some kind of stomach/intestinal cancer),  there is a big sense of peace that I feel comes along with being overly aggressive here.  I am pretty sure my mind is made up.

I meet with the endocronologist today to discuss things.  Hopefully she remembers who I am this time (read No. 10).

4th times a charm...

I anxiously awaited Friday morning for my biopsy appointment.  Every time my phone rang, moved, hummed, etc. my heart would beat a little faster.  However, by 11:30, I had heard nothing from the endo office, so my mom and I set off so I could get poked.

I go to the front desk of the office to check-in for my appointment.  The receptionist says, "I don't see you on the schedule for today.  You can go talk to the doctor's scheduler."

Ok... Don't panic.  It is probably a mistake.

I walk up to the doctor's scheduler.  Here's how that went:

Me:  I am here for my appointment at noon.

Scheduler:  Well I don't see you on the schedule.

Me:  [blank stare]

Scheduler:  I have you on the schedule for November 30th.

Me:  [Trying to stay calm] No.  You called me on Monday and said you could see me on Friday at noon.

Scheduler:  Ok... Well it isn't in the schedule...

Me:  [Deep breathing and more blank staring]

Scheduler:  I remember talking to you.  I remember emailing the doctor.  I remember putting it into the schedule, but now I can't find it on the schedule.

Me:  [Thinking to myself, "This can't be happening."  I was about ready to tell her I wasn't leaving the office today without getting the biopsy done.]

Scheduler:  She has a lunch meeting.

I bet she does.

Scheduler:  I can see if I can cancel that.  Did you take off work for this?

What does that matter?

Me:  Yes.  I can come back at one.

Scheduler:  [Excited] Oh can you come back at one?  That would be great!

Me:  Yeah.  So am I DEFINITELY on for one?

Scheduler:  Yes.

Can you believe that?!?!  Only I have this kind of luck.

So I walked out to my mom and told her we needed to leave and she about lost it.

Mom:  WHAT?!?!  You've got to be kidding me!!  This place is RIDICULOUS!!!

Gotta love my mom.

My mom and I went and got a small bite to eat and then went back.  I didn't have to wait very long and the biopsy began.  I had both nodules biopsied which meant 12 needle pokes in the neck.

But honestly... it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  Not that is was pleasant, but I think it could have been worse.  The worst part was the last draw of the first nodule when the doctor said to her nurse, "Can you get me the longer needle?"  Not something you like to hear.  And that draw felt WEIRD.

My neck was pretty sore afterwards and still is.  But hopefully it will be the last time I have to have my neck poked at .

Now I just have to not drive myself (and Phil) nuts waiting for the results.

Keep praying for BENIGN results.

Let's try this again...

{I just thought this post needed a picture. 

This is the Big Island, Hawaii taken by me during our helicopter tour.}

The endo office called me Monday morning and said the doctor was willing to give up her lunch break to do my biopsy on Friday (today).

I was so relieved.

First of all, I was relieved I wouldn't have to call and be all aggressive with them to get a sooner appointment because that is what I was going to do.  I was going to call.  Everyday.  Until they get me in.  And while I am sure there are several people in the world that think I would be totally at home being a bis-natch, I was really not looking forward to it.  Plus it helped restore some faith in the whole medical system for me (I was starting to feel like doctors and medical staff had forgotten what it was like to be a patient).

However, I have had a really hard time believing that the appointment would actually happen.  And while I know the likelihood of the doctor cancelling a second time on me is slim, it is still possible.

And I am having a much harder time being in a zen-like place about the biopsy this time.  I think I used all of my coping mechanisms last week.  I am not that anxious about the actual biopsy, even though I know it can't be that pleasant of an experience.  I am no stranger to shots/needles (dentist, dermatologist, etc.).  I had surgery done on my toes (my baby toes lay across my other toes) about 4 years ago (right before Phil and I started dating) and I didn't want to go under general anesthesia, so they did the surgery with me awake which means they used a CRAP-LOAD of local, injected right into both feet.  And there is nothing more painful (in my limited experience) than getting shots in the foot.

So anyway, wish me luck today.  And since I really don't want cancer, if you could send me your prayers again I would really appreciate it.  I know prayers were sent my way last week and I think it made a big difference in my anxiety levels.  Thank you so much.

I will let you know how it goes.  Phil and I are planning to go see the movie Jack and Jill tonight as a light-hearted distraction.  I hope it works.  :)

I'm growing twins in my neck

Please excuse my absence from blogging this weekend.  I was doing my best to keep my anxiety level as low as possible.  You see... this morning I had an appointment with my endocrinologist.

I haven't mentioned full details on the blog, and I am not really sure why.  In July, the doctor found a thyroid nodule during my annual exam.  After having an ultrasound and some bloodwork done, it was revealed that I had 2 nodules (the twins, Ned and Naomi as Phil named them), hyperthyroidism, and Hashimoto's Disease.

I had an appointment in August (late August) with an endocrinologist (endo as we will refer to in the future, partially because endocrinologist is long and partially because I never spell it correctly).  She ordered more bloodwork and schedule a biopsy of the big nodule for September.

At my appointment in September, it is revealed that I no longer have hyperthyroidism but now I have hypothyroidism which completely explains why I felt like CRAP.  You would not believe how much thyroid levels can effect all aspects of how you feel.  I went from having weird heart feelings, sweating all of the time, with super achy feet and legs to having no energy and being cold all of the time.  Because I now was underactive, she wanted to put me on some thyroid meds and wait 2 months to see if the twins shrunk.

That brings us to today.  My fun fun FUN appointment to check my bloodwork and see if the twins had shrunk.  The good news is that my thyroid levels were down in a good range, pretty much right where she wanted them to be.  The bad news is that the nodules didn't really shrink.  Ned, the large one, got a little bit smaller while Naomi, the littler one, got a little bit bigger.  So she wants to biopsy both of them.

And while none of that is bad news necessarily, it wasn't at all what I really wanted to hear.  I was convinced the nodules had gotten smaller and was really hoping to hear, "Congratulations!  The nodules are smaller and there is NO WAY you could have thyroid cancer!!"  After spending the afternoon freaking out a little, crying some, and googling (BAD NATALIE!!), I am feeling a little better.

The reality is that thyroid cancer is really rare and odds are that the nodules will both be benign.  Even if they aren't, it is most likely that they are the types of thyroid cancer that have an excellent cure rate and after a little surgery and some radiation, I will be fine.  But tell that to my stress level.

Even if it is the best kind of cancer, I still don't want to deal with it!  And I keep going back to feeling like there are so many things going on in my life right now that a 26 year old shouldn't have to deal with.

I am trying to deal with those feelings and really just put my trust and my faith into God because I know He will take care of me.  Last week I had this huge sense of calm that everything is going to ok and there isn't a doubt in my mind that the feeling came from Him.

I go in for my biopsies (remember... there are multiple) on Wednesday.  I am, thankfully, not afraid of needles too much.  They aren't my favorite things in the world, but I can handle them.  Even so, I am not looking forward to getting poked in the neck 8 to 10 times.  And my anxiety about the whole thing is really starting to get the best of me.  My appetite is starting to disappear.  This happened to me in high school and all I could stand to eat was orange juice.  I lost like 10 pounds in a week.

I would really appreciate any and all prayers you can send my way for the biopsy, my anxiety, and the results (let's pray for good, non-cancer results).  I am so thankful for the friends and family who have supported me so far in this process.  It means so much to me to have you all there for me. 

So now you are up to date.  Man that was long.

Livers are Important... Prayers Requested (Part 3)

Ed had another scan done this morning and the news wasn't the greatest.

They found another tumor, maybe 3.

His case goes before the Tumor Board at his treating hospital on Friday and we will hear what they think on Monday.

I am requesting prayers for the following things:

-  Comfort for Ed, Faith, and Phil as they cope with this less than stellar news.
-  Knowledge and guidance for the tumor board as they meet and determine the best treatment path.
-  And healing for Ed and his body (obviously).

We still don't know the details of the scan.  The radiologist (who isn't my favorite) only looked at the liver scans before he met with Ed and Faith this morning.  We don't know if the cancer has spread, which is one of the main things I am worried about.

Thank you for your prayers and support.  I think every prayer helps.

Love, Mrs. Janney