5 Things Friday: What the WHAT?!? Edition

So I may have taken a bit of a hiatus from blogging in the last month.  Life... it's busy.  And frankly, when you are working 45-50 hours a week, there really isn't too much to blog about.  The creative juices weren't flowing.  And I really don't want to fill my blog up with stuff just for the sake of posting.

The good news is that after A MONTH, I actually have some stuff to blog about.  And I figured what better time to start back up than 5 Things Friday.

This list is comprised of the shocking "SERIOUSLY?!" moments that have happened basically in the last week.  It's been a good one.

1.  I was at the ENT the other day (for a hearing test) and the doctor was giving my neck an exam.  What that had to do with my hearing, I have NO idea.  He starts at the top of my neck, working his way down, and vocalizing all of the things he feels along the way.  Lymph nodes, carotid artery, thyroid...

Thyroid?!

Me:  Um... I don't have a thyroid.

Dr.:  Ok, let's check again...

Proceeds to re-do neck exam, and when he gets to where my thyroid should be,

Dr:  Well, right here, I feel the cartilidge.  I just assumed you have a small thyroid.  It's not like you have cancer though.

Me:  I did have cancer.  Which is why you'd better not feel any thyroid in there.

Starts neck exam AGAIN.

Dr:  No I don't feel any residual thyroid tissue in there.

Yeah, I feel like I'm in such good hands.

This might not seem like a big deal, but if I have thyroid tissues, that means my cancer has come back.  So it kind of is a big deal.  In the past, this would have really freaked me out.  But I had an ultrasound and bloodwork done in December that showed NO thyroid tissue in my thyroid bed and the bloodwork showed NO sign of thyroid tissue (aka cancer).  But I honestly can't believe that it happened.


2.  Later that same day, I went to a committee meeting.  We have had these meetings almost every month for over two years, so when the meetings first started, I was fairly pregnant.  And if you recall, I was not a small pregnant woman.  I was one of those unfortunate, not cute, chubby pregnant ladies.  And I have since then lost all that baby weight.

Like a year ago.  So I was a little confused when TWO people said:

"You look really different since the last time we saw you!"

Granted we haven't met in probably 3 months, but I was a little confused.  So I asked, "Oh yeah?  How so?"

Response, "Well didn't you recently have a baby?"

2 YEARS AGO!

And it would have been one thing if these were large meetings (they aren't) or if I was silent during the entire meeting (I'm not) or if it were just one person (but it wasn't).

I guess I should get rid of the shirt I was wearing.


3.  I'm not going to go into details on this next one, but let me just say this...

When you are interviewing for a job, it is probably best to NOT look down the employers blouse while shaking her hand good-bye.

Just a piece of advice from me to you.


4.  I was taking a drink of coffee and missed my mouth.

{Don't worry... we won't really have people sleep in the kitchen}

Can we say "Professional?"  I suppose it could be worse?  Like I could have dropped chili on the plans.


5.  My family was together a few weeks ago and I casually told a story mentioning that I had baby fever.  Here are some examples of the response I got:

"Not yet!"

Downcast stares with a subtle head shake.

At least one person looked at Phil and said, "No."

I'm probably the ONLY one left in my family that will have kids, so this reaction surprised me.  They all LOVE Henry.  And I'm pretty sure I didn't get a say in their family planning.  It just seemed like a strange reaction.

I mean, look at Henry:

He's so cute!  Obviously we should have like a dozen more babies.



So hopefully you have a good weekend and nobody says (or does) anything weird to you!

Don't worry, it's the good kind

I go back and forth...

Between feeling like cancer survivor and feeling like I am making a bigger deal out of it than I really should.

I think most people probably feel like I have made a bigger deal out of it than I should have.

News of thyroid cancer is almost always accompanied by the phrase "well if you are going to get cancer, that's the one you want to get." And I get what people are trying to say. I am very thankful that my cancer had a great prognosis and cure rate. But you know what as an even better cure rate? Not having cancer.

Since when did I HAVE to get cancer at 26?! Who made up that rule?

When I was first diagnosed, I got a phone call from our pastor. He talked to me for about 60 seconds before he rushed off the phone. And pretty much the only thing he said to me was "they say if you are going to get cancer, that's the one you want to get." Then he hung up the phone.

I am not sure if I will ever forget how I felt when he said that.  It was so isolating and dismissive.  I really struggled with feeling like I couldn't be afraid or sad or upset that I had cancer because it was the "good kind".

Sometimes it feels like my cancer was "too good" to lump me into the category of cancer survivor. But where does it fit in?

My aunts participate in the Relay for Life every year. I have even joined them to walk a couple of times. And they have never asked me to join them for the survivors walk. Is my defeat of cancer any different than someone who had breast cancer? Our treatments were different, yes. Mine was much easier on my body. But cancer is cancer.

I still had 2 surgeries, radiation, and semi-annual tests for my "good cancer". And I was a lucky one. Some "good" thyroid cancer doesn't respond to radiation and other than more surgery and a few medications that slow down the growth, there isn't much they can do.

I still get anxious when I have to have my ultrasound and bloodwork. Because a 5 year survival rate doesn't make me feel super great. I am hoping to live a lot longer than 5 years. Anyone else planning on dying at 31? I didn't think so.

September is Thyroid Cancer Awareness month and it basically gets ZERO press. I'm sure part of it is because not many people know about it and part of it is because who cares about the "good" cancer.

I have no thyroid as a result of my cancer. Currently I take 3 medications to supplement my thyroid. They total about $40 a month. That's $480 a year, after insurance. If I take too much, I get heart palpitations, my hair can fall out, and I can't sleep. Not enough and my cancer can come back on top of the fact I will feel like garbage, gain weight, and get muscle cramps. The higher thyroid levels I need to keep the cancer from coming back leaches calcium meaning I'm at a higher risk for osteoporosis.  My ultrasound and blood work check ups cost $200 each time. Changing thyroid levels (which mine have to adjusted like crazy when I am pregnant) affect your vision. My eye sight has been the same for like 7 years but all of a sudden (post Henry) my prescription changed.

Did you know that cancer doubles your risk of filing for bankruptcy? And thyroid cancer in young women makes up the number one cancer than causes bankruptcy.

The only lasting physical sign of my "good" cancer is my neck scar. And it is fading. But I see it. I see the weird way the skin on my neck moved thanks to no thyroid and scar tissue. It's weird.

{Look at my neck.  It's the dumbest thing to notice, but it's weird}

One of the hardest parts of thyroid cancer in my opinion is how it gets brushed off.  It's the "good" kind, after all...

There is no "good" cancer.

Like all cancers, early detection is important.  Be informed.  And check your neck.

I know how to celebrate

The last couple of weeks, I have been a total wreck.

Every 6 months I get routine bloodwork done to check my thyroglobulin levels.  Thyroglobulin is secreted by thyroid cells and since I should have no thryoid cells, it is a way to check if thryoid cells (in my case, thyroid cancer cells) are trying to hide somewhere in my body.

For obvious reasons, it's a little scary.  I mean, dealing with having cancer is scary enough.  But it doesn't end after that.  The check-ups and the follow-up tests are also kind of scary.

I did absolutely everything possible to ensure that my cancer is gone and stays that way for good.  I even had some extra tests done after a suspicious ultrasound that gave me even more reason to believe that my cancer was gone.  So really, I should be good to go.

But that didn't stop me from totally freaking out about it.  I'll admit it, I was scared.  I have this amazing life and I don't want anything to ruin it.  I don't want to miss out on years with Henry or Phil.  And while Thyroid cancer has a great prognosis, it's still cancer and it is still scary.

In truth, I did WAY more freaking out that is really warranted.  I was a total mess.  For some reason, I handled this blood test worse than I have the last couple of blood tests.  I don't know why.  I partially blame the movie The Fault in Our Stars.

Monday morning I found out that my bloodwork came back totally fine.  "No evidence of cancer" were the exact words my doctor's assistant told me over the phone.  I breathed a huge sigh of relief and felt a big weight lift off my shoulders.  You never really feel more alive than right after you get good health news.  If you could bottle that feeling and sell it, I don't think anyone would ever use drugs.  Just saying...

I woke up Tuesday morning and just didn't quite feel right.  I kind of had a tickle in my throat and cough.  As the day went on, I just felt worse and worse.  That night, I had a meeting to go to, and as I sat through the meeting, the tickle got more persistent.

Wednesday, I woke up feeling worse.  The cough was coming pretty regularly this time and the coughing spells were longer as well.  I had another night meeting that night, which I had to leave on several occasions because my coughing was out of control.  That night, I woke up several times coughing.  My body hurt.

Anyway, long story short... I have a sinus infection.  I walked away from the doctor's office with 4 prescriptions.  Coupled with my 3 thyroid medications, that 7 prescriptions I am on right now.  My 90 year old grandmother takes less medicine than I currently do.

The icing on the stuffing-nosed cake... the doctor's office sent the prescriptions to the wrong pharmacy.  So that was fun to work out.  I almost started crying in Walgreen's.  Dramatic?  Perhaps.

There's not a doubt in my mind that the sinus infection is linked to the amount of stress I put myself under waiting for my test results.  It is crazy how much stress can seriously affect our bodies.  And ultimately, stressing out over results has zero impact on what the results will be.  It served no purpose and made me sick.

Thankfully I have 6 months before my next blood test.  That's 6 months to learn some better ways to just chill the heck out.

I'm officially taking any and all advice on how to relax.  What works for you?  How do you de-stress?  Anything short of binge drinking or pill popping and I think I am game.

Skipping Thanksgiving

Things have been really hard around here.

We are into November now.  Phil is home (YAY!) but with being home comes a big dose of reality.  We don't know when his dad will pass away, although we think it will be sooner rather than later.  Phil's feeling stressed about his dissertation.  Can't say that I blame him.

The change in time and change in the weather has made it darker, colder, and gloomier around here.  It takes me back to a couple of years ago, when we were trying to get my thyroid nodules figured out.  The phone call at 4:55 to come to the doctor's office.  The LONGEST 5 minute drive with my dad, in the dark, while it rained.  And all that followed.  Even though things turned out alright, the fear still feels real and current.

So many hard things coming up and hard memories from the past, all at the same time.

It is making being thankful at Thanksgiving seem like an impossible challenge.

A combination of everything kind of makes me want to just skip Thanksgiving.  Can we start focusing on Christmas?  I want to decorate.  Christmas lights.  A Christmas tree.  Cider.  Presents.  Scented candles.

My baby's 1st Christmas.  I want to just bask in that.

But I think Phil might not go for it.  Doesn't mean I can't start preparing.  Part of the preparations includes STOCKINGS.  Henry needs a Christmas stocking.  A proper one, with his name.  I'm thinking something like this:

{Pottery Barn Stockings}

Even though he won't remember this Christmas at all, it is time to start the Christmas traditions.  And when the dark, cold nights start to make me remember scary times from the past or sad times yet to come, I will try to remember that this is Henry's 1st holiday season.  And I am grateful and excited for that.

Did I have Cancer?

Before I knew I had Cancer, I purchased an Aflac Cancer Policy through the office.  My thinking was this:  if I have it, I won't need it.  Murphy's Law and all that.  And since I have had cancer, I have put off actually filling out the paperwork for the claims.  I don't know why.  I guess I am afraid they will deny my claim (I had a bad experience with some travel insurance).

I finally decided I need to fill out the paperwork and file the claim.  In doing so, I needed to make sure I had certain dates right for the forms.  So I went back through my calendar to double check and it was the strangest thing...  To think back about everything that was going on.  And I still remember how scared and anxious I was the whole time.

I can remember camping with my family, feel of anxiety about meeting with the endocrinologist the next day.  I remember travelling to Virginia to see Phil's old roommates, taking Synthroid in hopes my nodules would shrink.  I remember the half-marathon Phil and I ran, hoping that we would be finding out the next week that my nodules had shrank and therefore I wouldn't have cancer.  I remember the complete and total frustration when my endocrinologist cancelled my biopsy an hour before it was supposed to happen and the extreme anger I felt with it took 3 more attempts before she would actually perform the procedure.  I remember the way my heart sank when her nurse called me, asking me to come in and discuss my biopsy results with the doctor.  And how the 5 minute drive from my office to her office seemed to take forever.  I remember sending text messages to Joanna and my brother because I couldn't think about calling them and getting the words out.  I remember going to my parents house, having Phil meet me there.  I walked in and didn't get any words out, just tears, and my mom started crying too.

Having a baby, which was the only thing I wanted, was on hold for who knows how long.

And now I get to sit and hold and feed and cuddle with my little boy.  I take my thyroid pill every day.  And I see my endocrinologist every once in a while.  I find myself running my hand across my scar almost daily.  But I am still overwhelmed by the fact that I actually had cancer.

Just the other day, I turned to Phil and said, "Can you believe I had Cancer?!?"  It just doesn't seem like something that happens to seemingly healthy people in their mid-20's.  But I did.  And I still remember how terrifying the experience was.

The truth is, having cancer has changed me.  It made me more empathetic for other people and families going through their own Cancer battle.  It made me more aware of the people and the hurt around me.  And it made me more grateful for my health and the health of those I care about.

And it has made me a thousand times more grateful for this guy:

Henry, I didn't know if I would ever get to meet you.  I thank God everyday that I get to be your mommy.

I'm a Big Girl Now

Even though thyroid cancer isn't in the forefront of our lives right now (thank goodness!), that doesn't mean it is gone for good.  Having no real thyroid to call my own makes for constant monitoring.  Plus, I will have blood tests and ultrasounds done constantly to make sure that my cancer hasn't come back.

My last set of tests turned out GREAT!  But the endocrinologist still wanted to see me one more time before the baby was born to go over what he wanted to do for my thryoid hormones and future testing.

Ever since my nodules were discovered, I have gone to very few doctor's appointments by myself.  I honestly think I went to 3 doctor's appointments by myself since July of 2011.  I suddenly had became extremely afraid of going to the doctor, which I think was understandable. 

So when my endocrinologist wanted to see me again, of course I picked a time that would work not only for my schedule, but Phil's schedule as well.  I knew when I scheduled the appointment that my mom, who usually also offers to go with me, wouldn't be able to go.  But no big deal, I thought.  Phil will be with me.

Fast forward to a few hours before my appointment, and Phil started getting really nervous.  He has a presentation tomorrow, plus he's been helping me with the nursery, plus working around the clock on his dissertation, plus going to birth classes, etc.  He mentioned how much work he still had to do tonight, he shouldn't have signed up for the daddy bootcamp class, he shouldn't have taken a nap this weekend (he really needed the nap).

I decided it was time for me to put my big girl pants on and let him off the hook for my appointment (my doctor is an hour's drive away so the appointment would take up the whole afternoon).

He was very hesitant to accept my offer.  He knows how nervous I have been about going to the doctor and I think he was trying to not fall victim to the very possibly mood swings, so there were several rounds of "Are you sure?" and "You won't be mad?" before he finally accepted.

I must admit I was mildly anxious when I realized I would be going to the doctor on my own.  But I am happy to report that I did fine.  No huge panic attacks.  I got nothing but great news (for some reason I had it in my mind that the second I went to the doctor alone, I would receive bad news.  Totally not crazy, I know).  And Phil was able get enough work done to actually come to bed last night.

But just to be clear, Phil is coming with me to the doctor tomorrow.  Let's not push our luck.

{Totally unrelated picture.  Cotton now thinks he is a cat.}

Good News

I already had written and scheduled for last week when all of a sudden I was inspired with like 3 or 4 or 5 blog posts all at once.  So I had to decide which posts went up first and all that jazz.  Difficult choices, I know.

But one I think DEFINITELY wanted to post about was some of the GREAT news we got last week.

So even though I finished my thyroid cancer surgeries and treatment and whole-body scan, my time at the doctor's office is not over.  Every 6 months for a while, I'll have neck ultrasounds and blood work done to make sure I don't have any thyroid cells (or in my case thyroid cancer cells) that have come back.  It is especially important since the type of cancer I have/had has a 30% recurrence rate.

My first set of test came last summer, right after I switched endocrinologists.  My blood test was fine, but my neck ultrasound showed some enlarged lymph nodes that had to be investigated further.

It was an extremely scary and anxious time for me.  I didn't really enjoy having to have more tests and wait even longer to be told everything was alright.

But I did find out that everything was alright.  And I was sent on my way for the next 6 months.

That meant I had my next set of tests done in December and my follow-up appointment with my doctor was last week.

He confirmed that my ultrasound and blood tests came back great.  Undetectable levels of thyroglobulin and undetectable levels of thyroglobulin antibodies.  My neck ultrasound was clear.  As of right now, no sign of cancer.

Phil and I decided we needed to celebrate.  And since I can't currently enjoy a glass of champagne, that meant pizza and a cookie.

It was a very nice little celebration.  And we look forward to many, many more in the future.  :)

RAI + Pregnancy = ?? (Part 2)

Part 1 and our disclaimer, found HERE.

So after my endocrinologist made me question if the baby was going to have three arms or something, he said he wanted to have the hospital do some calculations and give that information to my OB so someone a little more knowledgeable could figure out what the effects of the RAI would be on the baby.

And then I didn't hear from anyone for like a week.

Phil and I were pretty anxious at this point.  Phil put on his chemist/toxicologist hat and began doing some calculations.  He even found the same guidelines the doctors ended up using regarding risk exposure so fetuses.  Plus Phil called one of his good friends who also happens to be a nuclear pharmacist and asked him a few questions.  After we got done with our own research (which yielded very little on the internet), we felt A LOT better.  And a little mad at my doctor for implying I should consider an abortion.

We finally heard from my OB, who recommended we see a perinatologist, just to make sure everything would be alright.  Technically, I was a "high risk" pregnancy.

We met with the perinatologist who basically said we really didn't need to be too concerned about the radiation exposure to the baby.  WHEW!!  Huge confirmation of what we already suspected.

However, they recommended we have some extra ultrasounds done.  They wanted to make sure the baby didn't have a goiter (enlarged thyroid) forming and that the baby was growing at the proper rate (since radiation exposure can affect growth rates).

And that's where we are now.  These ultrasounds started with the 20 week anatomy scan and we'll continue to have ultrasounds every 4 weeks until Baby Janney makes his debut.  So far, Baby Janney is growing just as he should be, measuring exactly as he should.  He hasn't even been born and he's already being such a good little boy.  :)

I know there are some that believe ultrasounds can be harmful to the baby, but the perinatologist said that isn't true.  Plus I already exposed him to some radiation, so what's a little more, right?

So that's the skinny on that.  If you have any questions, feel free to ask them.  I just wanted to put all of the information about this pregnancy out there.  The complete back story.  It wasn't the ideal situation, but I also wouldn't change it at all.

RAI + Pregnancy = ?? (Part 1)

*This post is my opinion, based off the medical advice I was given as well as research/calculations Phil and I did.  I'm not a doctor and definitely think it is best to follow doctor's orders especially when it comes to cancer treatments and making babies.

When we first found out I had thyroid cancer, we had been trying to have a baby for about a year.  We were about to start working with a fertility clinic to figure out why were weren't able to get pregnant and move towards having a baby, but I felt like I really needed to get this pesky neck nodule thing all figured out first.  So for more than just the obvious reason of not wanting cancer, we were really hoping the nodules would come back as benign.

But they didn't.

So we started down the road towards cancer treatments and my doctor told me, clear as day, that there was no way I could get pregnant within a year of having radioactive iodine ablation done.  I'm pretty sure she even said, "I'm not kidding, Natalie.  If you get pregnant, you will have to have an abortion."  It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but I knew it was something I needed to do.

Feeling sad that it wouldn't be until 2014 that we had a baby, we went forward with the RAI but we were kind of curious as to why we had to wait so long to have a baby.  So we did what any normal couple would do and consulted the internet.

Site after site after site said you only needed to wait 6 months post RAI to get pregnant, and even then nobody really knew how radioactive iodine would affect a fetus.  All they knew was that if a fetus was exposed to radioactive iodine when the baby's thyroid was developing, obviously that would be bad.  But that was it.  Phil and I decided we would definitely wait the minimum 6 months, but we would discuss in October how we wanted to move forward.  We knew that the fertility clinic would not work with us until we had a letter from our doctor saying there was a green light for baby-makin'.

During this time, I switched doctors.  And my new endocrinologist echoed the research Phil and I had done saying we only needed to wait 6 months.  That was great news to Phil and I.  It was July when I made that switch and that was already 3 months into the 6 months. October would be here before we knew it!

But because I had no thyroid, my doctor had given me specific instructions that I needed to call him right away when I found out I was pregnant.  I would need to have my thyroid levels checked every 4 weeks for the duration of the pregnancy to make sure the baby and I were getting enough, since you tend to need more thyroid hormones when you are pregnant.  He sent us on our way with the reminder that we couldn't get pregnant until October.

2 months later at the beginning of September, I found out I was pregnant.

Oops.

I was SO EXCITED and terribly dreading having to call my endocrinologist.  I knew he would not be happy.

And he was not.

I had to leave him a message and he called me back, leaving me a voicemail to call his after hours number.  That's usually not a good sign.

I called him back.  He congratulated me and proceeded to tell me how I really wasn't supposed to get pregnant and he's not sure what exactly that means for the baby because he's never had someone get pregnant before the 6 months were past and then he asked me if I was planning to proceed with the pregnancy.

Of course I was.  But what were the possible side effects of the RAI on my baby?

He didn't know.  But his doubt about whether or not the baby would have any long lasting effects from the RAI freaked Phil and I out.

Happy Birthday, Neck Scar!!

Yesterday was my neck scar's 1st birthday.

Last year, I headed to OHSU to get some nodules removed.  I was TERRIFIED to have surgery.  Beyond scared.  And it ended up being fine.  I remember waking up from the surgery feeling ABSOLUTELY relieved.  Incredibly grateful.  And extremely happy.  Even if the nodules were cancerous, they were GONE, out of my body, and we were one our way to knowing for sure if it was cancer.

It was the beginning of a crazy year.  I am SO GLAD it is behind us.

And to celebrate the fact the fact that the neck scar has been with us for an entire year, Phil and I took it out for dinner (after a celebratory 6-month blood draw).

{I've got a thing for salads with beets}

We didn't get the neck scar any gifts or anything.  And I could get super deep about all of the things I have learned from the neck scar (or rather the cancer that came out of the neck scar), but I won't.  Ok maybe I will say one thing...

It is unfortunate that it takes big things happening to us for us to put things into perspective and realize how wonderful our lives really are.  Many people realize that fact too late.  If you're healthy, you need to stop stressing so much, let the small stuff go, take off your blinders and look around.  Love your life.  Hug your family.  Help those who are hurting.

There.  Those words are my neck scar's gift to you.

Happy Birthday, Neck Scar!  Stay healthy!

A Season of Anxiety

Sorry for the silence on the blog the last couple of days.  Scheduling issues with our ultrasound (which we finally got worked out yesterday) plus the scheduling of my next neck ultrasound (totally routine 6-month check) has had me in a bit of an anxious mess.

I know everything should be fine with the neck ultrasound, but the last one was a bit nerve-racking since I ended up needing extra tests and all that jazz.  Everything ended up be fine.  Really great news, actually.  I really would rather NOT go through that again however.

If I am being totally honest, I'm still kind of mad about even having to go through this cancer stuff.  And it's never over.  I guess since the experience is still so fresh and raw in my mind, I'm not really over it yet.  It hasn't even been a year since my first surgery, so I guess it is to be expected.  But I keep trying to tell myself that I can't find out good news if I don't go get these check-ups done either.  And I'm all about good news.  :)

I feel like this month has been really stressful so far.  I thrive on a busy schedule.  And November was a REALLY busy month for us.  Once December hit, we had pretty much nothing on the calendar.  Phil was breathing a sigh of relief.  I was kind of freaking out on the inside.  Then my anxiety started kicking in.

We had to make decisions about where we would spend Christmas (Phil will be in Virginia, I will be here.  It's a long story).  Since I hadn't felt the baby move yet and I was hearing horror stories of women miscarrying at 16 weeks, I started getting anxious I would lose the baby (we had a doctor's appointment yesterday and everything looks great).  We had a rough time scheduling our ultrasound and I almost went into a deep depression when they told me it wouldn't be until January (we got it moved up to 2012).  And then throw in the neck ultrasound for good measure.

I have to keep reminding myself to lower my shoulders.

Meanwhile, Cotton has become more technologically advanced.  I came downstairs this morning to leave only to find that the television in the office was turned on.  It wasn't on when I let him out an hour earlier.  So he must have turned it on, all by himself.  I bet that scared the be-jeezus out of him.  Can you even picture that?  Kind of makes me laugh.

Plus I saw this the other day...

I guess all those days and night of watching me type taught him a thing or two.

Wish me luck/say a prayer for me today if you get the chance.  My neck ultrasound is this afternoon.  And as I may have mentioned, I'm a little anxious about it.  :)

Grateful

This last year has been quite the adventure (a little ode to the blog name, if you will).  It was hard, filled with fear and anger and tears, an taught me more about myself and my life than I could have hoped to learn in a decade.

Since Thanksgiving is in a few days, I thought I would make a short, abbreviated list of the things we are grateful for here in the Janney household.

1.  In the last year, we found out I had thyroid cancer, had two surgeries, the low-iodine diet, radioactive iodine, whole body scan, a new endocrinologist, a neck ultrasound, a change in medication, some more low-iodine diet, more tests, and another whole body scan.  Long story short, I found out I had cancer, got rid of it and am cancer-free.  I've got the neck scar, the hospital bills, and the 300 (slight exaggeration) blog posts to prove it.

I am so grateful that my cancer was found early and have (for the moment and hopefully forever) kicked its ass.

2.  We got our little furbaby.  He's crazy and I love him.

3.  And then there's one more thing that we are CRAZY grateful for... something of a miracle to us and completely unexpected...

Due May 18, 2013

Grey's Anatomy and Dr. 90210

I love Grey's Anatomy.  I always have.  A couple of friends introduced it to me when I lived in England.  We were get together about once a week to have dinner and watch an episode on her laptop.  From there, I was hooked.

But once Izzy got skin cancer, I had a real problem with the show.  I turned into a total hypochondriac.  I was constantly afraid that I had a brain tumor or something was wrong with me.  And this lasted for quite a while.  It scared me into have skin checks (which is probably a really good thing since I have such fair skin) and into making sure all of my physicals were done as soon as possible (which also turned out to be a REALLY good thing).

When I found out I had thyroid nodules, I immediately had to STOP watching Grey's.  Even though I had seen all of the episodes and knew how it all turned out, mentally I couldn't handle it.  And it got even worse when the nodules turned out to be cancer and I knew I had to have a surgery.

I was so petrified of having surgery, it probably sent me into crying attacks daily.  Despite the fact that I knew it was fiction.  I knew the types of cases they had on that show were SUPER rare and that most surgeries went off without a hitch.  Otherwise, no one would ever have surgery.

So in order to prepare myself for having surgery, I started watching Dr. 90210.  I figured, if those people were CHOOSING to have surgery, then it really couldn't be that bad.  And I really didn't have a choice.  I NEEDED the surgery.  I even watched at least 3 or 4 episodes of it the day before my surgery, to really DRIVE it home.  In a really weird way, watching Dr. 90210 completely worked.  I watched person after person have surgery and come out totally fine.

After my first surgery, I found out that I actually performed REALLY well under anesthesia, which was the main part I was afraid of (well that and having the surgeon accidentally cut a major artery in my neck which, again, was always INCREDIBLY unlikely).  The fact that I had done SO WELL during my first surgery made it so I hardly worried about the second surgery.  I just wanted to have it over with.

Since putting cancer behind me, I have decided I can start watching Grey's Anatomy again.  I skip certain episodes though (since some of the story lines still get me).  It helps that things have gotten so ridiculous on that show that it is almost laughable.

But what it really tells me is that I am not nearly as irrational/crazy as I used to be.

I figure that's always a good thing.

PS - But I do sometimes wonder if something weird happened during my surgeries, like they always show on TV.  I'll probably never know (and that is totally fine with me).

Let's all celebrate and check our necks

September is Thyroid Cancer Awareness month.

It seems only fitting that this is when I find out pretty stinkin' definitively that I am cancer free.

Last week, I found out that my scan had come back clear.  No sign of cancer.  And I definitley let out a sigh of relief.  However, the lab had messed up my blood test and because there is a small chance that the scan won't pick up small amounts of cancer cells, it is important to have both pieces of information.  After my last set of results (where I had a good blood test, but a strange neck ultrasound), I was hesitant to really celebrate until I had all of my test results.

You know what?  It's time to celebrate.

Clean scan.  Excellent blood test results.  I'm pretty sure that means I can say I am cancer free.

That doesn't sound half bad.  Not bad at all.

I basically spent all of July and August waiting for test results.  After my doctor's office called with my blood test results yesterday afternoon at 4, I felt like I could finally breathe again.  Phil and I had been putting off our plans for the next couple of months in case I had to have more tests.  And I don't!!  I could seriously jump for joy.

The thing is, if my cancer hadn't been found early, this may not be the story.  I am lucky that I had some symptoms and a smart and thorough medical professional who found my nodules.  So CHECK YOUR NECK!!  It is really easy and painless.  Click HERE for instruction on how to do it yourself.  If you don't want to do a neck check, then ask your dentist and/or healthcare provider to do a neck check (including your thyroid) at your next visit.  The THYCA has attributed early detection to increased neck checks performed by dentists.  They are supposed to do it, so don't hesitate to ask.

My journey with Thyroid Cancer will probably never be over.  But now hopefully I will forever stay in this monitoring phase and not need treatment again.  If my cancer ever does come back, I need to put on my big girl pants again, stand up and kick ass again.  Until that day, I will celebrate that, for now, I am cancer free.

Beam Me Up

Ok I actually thought of several different titles for this post.  Other options included "Ode to Iodine" or "My Week in the Car" or something stupid like that.

Yesterday was my date with my radioactive iodine dose.  Tomorrow morning I go in for my scan and blood test.  Prayers and good thoughts are needed since I really REALLY REALLY don't want there to be anything weird on that scan or blood test.

Ugh.

It has been interesting week, to say the least.  Especially since Phil has been gone so I've been having to take care of the dogs and myself (which isn't a big deal but usually Phil helps A LOT with the dogs... and me who am I kidding).  But I have figured that getting shots in the butt really isn't too big of a deal.  And that is probably a good thing since I am hoping to do some fertility treatments which could very possibly involve multiple shots in the hip.

However, that nice little pregnancy test blood draw is turning into quite the lovely raised bruise.  Probably because he used an actual syringe to suck the blood out.  I've never had that done before.  By the time I get done tomorrow, I will have had 5 pokes in 5 days (3 different blood draws, 2 shots).  I am a human pin cushion.

Also, I am too young to be dealing with this crap.  For example, when I was waiting at the hospital yesterday  for my pregnancy test results (thanks for adding insult to injury hospital.  I could have told you I wasn't pregnant without the $50 blood test that my insurance won't cover even though it was required) before my dose, I took a look around.  I was the only person under 60 in the waiting room.  That's because people in their 20's aren't supposed to have to do this crap.  Hopefully this is my last one.

Secretly I am hoping that this little dose of radioactive iodine will finally give me a super power.  Totally likely, right?

And since I am trying to do my best to stay calm and not freak out, here is another picture from the beach:

I get to go back to eating normally on Saturday.  :)  2 more days!!

LID... AGAIN

I mentioned yesterday that I needed another whole body scan, which means I have get to go back on the low-iodine diet.  I wrote a post about the Low-Iodine Diet a while back, when I was preparing for my RAI treatment and whole body scan.  I'll give a little refresher for those of you who are new/don't remember/skipped that post.

Thyroid tissue needs iodine and is the only tissue in the body that takes up iodine.  Using a small dose of radioactive iodine (I-131) allows for a nuclear scan to be done, any iodine taken up in the body will light up the film.  To prepare for the dose of I-131, you need to starve your body of iodine.  This way, when you get the iodine, any thyroid cells will SUCK IT UP and absorb it, without having any other iodine in the body to compete with.  (Did I get that right, Phil?)

Starving the body means going on the low-iodine diet, or as I like to refer to it the "I only eat fruits, veggies, and beans" diet.  That's because the list of foods you aren't allowed to eat is RIDICULOUSLY long:

-  No dairy
-  No soy
-  No seafood
-  No seaweed
-  No sea salt
-  Only 4 servings of grains per day
-  No more than 6 oz. of (uncured) meat per day
-  Absolutely no iodinized salt
-  Only certain types of beans
-  No rhubarb or spinach
-  Only brown basamati rice, and even then try to severely limit it
-  No egg yolks.  Egg whites (gross) are fine
-  No potato skins
-  No Red Dye No. 5(?).  I know Red Dye 40 is ok.
-  No instant coffee/tea
-  No brown colas or anything with Caramel Coloring

Ok so it would have been easier to list what I could eat:

-  Fruit (other than rhubarb)
-  Veggies
-  Black beans
-  Chick peas
-  4 servings of grains per day which can include bread which I have to make myself (thank you Mom and Dad who don't read this for the bread machine), quinoa, millet
-  The inside of potatoes
-  Corn products (unsalted corn tortilla chips, unsalted corn tortillas which smell disgusting)
-  Unsalted nut butters
-  Fruit Juice

Basically iodine is in EVERYTHING.  Or at least all processed food.  Especially since a lot of manufacturers clean their equipment with iodine solution.  That means EVERYTHING needs to be made from scratch.  Since this work is better done BEFORE the diet starts and you become so crazy with hunger, I asked my friend Danielle if she would come over and help me prepare some staples for my 2 week hell diet.

{The To-Do List.  Phil, Danielle, and I all thought there was no way we were going to get everything done, but we did!  Pretty much because Danielle is the shiz.}

We only had like 5 hours, but we managed to bust everything out and got everything done that I wanted to.  Danielle is AWESOME.  Ok that is kind of an understatement.  I didn't get any pictures of us cooking because I was too busy either sending Phil back to the grocery store or cooking.

{All the goods.  Have you ever made refridgerator pickles?  Apparently this recipe is supposed to change your life.  Plus it isn't everyday you have to get to make your own ketchup from scratch.  Thank goodness I bought all those mason jars for Joanna's baby shower.}

Last time, I was on the diet for a month without thyroid meds.  This time I only have to go on the diet for 2 weeks and I get to stay on my meds.  Hopefully this means rather than gaining 3 lbs while eating practically nothing like I did last time, I will lose like 5 lbs.  Pretty sure the walking to the bathroom a million times a day from eating nothing but fruit and beans will help with that.  That was probably an overshare.  Well at least you don't have to live it.

Honestly, it isn't going to be that bad this time.  Two weeks seems like nothing compared with a month.  Plus I feel like this time I know what I liked from the diet last time and I feel WAY MORE prepared.  And because it is late summer in Oregon, we have an ABUNDANCE of excellent produce for fairly cheap.  And we happen to live about 5 minutes away from a market that sells said produce every day of the week.

This is not a diet anyone should choose to go on for losing weight.  The body NEEDS iodine.  In fact, there is some research that suggests the type of thyroid cancer I had can be caused from not getting enough iodine.  Who knows if it is true, but don't cut out the iodine, ok?

On being a pain in the ASS

Yesterday was quite the day.  I started off feeling quite positive.  I was sure that it was going to be the day I got my dang tests scheduled.

But by 2 in the afternoon, my stress level was through the roof.

I hate feeling like I have no control over things.  And this entire cancer thing has been one big slap in the face reminder that really none of us have control over anything.  But what makes it even worse is when I feel like I am not being made a priority or I am being forgotten.

This was a big problem I had with my old endocrinologist.  So these challenges in getting the scan scheduled starting popping up, I got real nervous.  I don't want another doctor whose office can't get things done.

But that isn't the case this time.  I know that.

The medical assistant had told me it would take 4 or 5 days to get the shots approved by my insurance, ordered, and shipped.  Then we could schedule the test.  That was 2 weeks ago.

So I had been patient.  Now was the time to start making some phone calls and being annoying.

I called my health insurance.  Then the doctor's office.  Then the Thyrogen manufacturer.  Then the mail-in pharmacy.  Then my health insurance again.  Then another specialty mail-in pharmacy.  Then my doctor called me back.  And about 3 hours after I started making phone calls I think I may be on the right track again.  Maybe.  At one point yesterday on the phone, I was almost in tears, so frustrated with how this whole process was going.  I don't think anyone (including all parties involved) has any idea what is going on.  The first pharmacy I talked to told me it would be the end of the week before they got it figured out, even though they had the order LAST WEEK.  I'm sorry but NOTHING should take that long to get ordered.  Thankfully almost everyone I talked was extremely nice and helpful.  I have to say, I am extremely impressed with Pacific Source and their customer service.

Phil had his softball games, so it was just me and the doggies at home.  They were extremely well-behaved.  They played while I cleaned up the kitchen.  And played while I watched 2 episodes of Project Runway.  And then they slept with I put the tuna noodle casserole I made Sunday night in the oven.  And kind of slept when I opened up a bottle of wine.

 

By the time Phil got home, I was calm and relaxed again.  My wonderful pups and the messy kitchen gave me something to focus on and occupy myself with.

And while, yes, I felt like a HUGE pain in the ass yesterday I still really feel like if I hadn't been on top of things, it wouldn't have gotten done in a VERY long time.  Let this be a lesson... You HAVE to be your own advocate.  No news isn't always good news.  No news can sometimes mean that things have gotten lost in the system.

And speaking as someone who has had to deal with insurance A LOT in the last year or so... the health care system NEEDS to be changed.  Far beyond Obamacare.

An Arrow

Liesl had this picture up on Saturday and it is the exact imagery for life right now.

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I had some follow-up tests done for my thyroid cancer.  They were normal tests that I will have done every 6 months for a few years, until I am deemed cancer-free enough to pull back on the tests.  I had gotten the results of the blood test (which showed, in the words of the medical assistant, "No signs of cancer.") but had been waiting quite impatiently for the results of my neck ultrasound.

The neck ultrasound looks from the jawline, down just past where my thyroid used to be.  The tech starts with one side (the right side for me which was also the side my cancer was one) and then moves to the other side.  After finishing the right side, I asked the tech if everything looked alright.  He had spent quite a bit of time in one location, taking lots of pictures and taking several measurements.  And that had made me nervous.  Turns out, I had some kind of a "nodule" (which is code for anything since the ultrasound can't different between things like cysts, lymph nodes, and I'm guessing glands) that was a little large.

I kind of starting freaking out.  He began the left side in the exact mirrored place I had the large "nodule" and immediately said, "Well you have the same thing over here, so that's probably good."  But we had to wait for the official word before I could really breathe a sigh of relief.

A couple of weeks ago, I finally get the results of my neck ultrasound.  I answered the phone one day during lunch and my doctor was on the other end.  That's usually never a good sign.  He informed me that I had some enlarged lymph nodes (as he called them) that needed to be further investigated.  He wasn't too worried about it, since my blood test was good.  But he felt obligated to make sure everything was fine.  He told me not to worry and that I would have another whole body scan and a stimulate-Tg blood test.  He said most people have another whole body scan 6 to 12 months after their surgery anyway, so I was kind of due.

Then I got to go back to work.

After a LOT of crying and freaking out and Googling like crazy, I am doing a lot better with the information.  I honestly just can't believe that I could possibly have something wrong.  My blood test was fine.  I JUST had a whole body scan 3 months ago that showed nothing.  And I had caught this cancer when it was small, fully encapsulated and all of the surrounding lymph nodes they removed during my surgery were cancer free. I had gone above and beyond what I needed to do to take care of this.  Afterall, my surgeon and first endocrinologist said I didn't even need to have the second surgery or do the Radioactive Iodine.

I was going to wait to share this news until after I got my tests scheduled, but apparently that takes FOR FREAKIN' EVER!!  Having these tests done requires the low-iodine diet (yay...) and being hypothyroid (double yay...).  Since nobody (and I mean NOBODY) wants to see me stop taking my thyroid meds again, I am going to be getting Thyrogen shots which will allow me to keep taking my meds and still get the tests done.  If you want to know how that works, I just figured it out today.  E-mail me and I will let you know.

My mom and mother-in-law both offered to pay for the shots so I wouldn't have to go hypo again, but the shots are pretty expensive I guess, so insurance plays a BIG ROLE in getting the tests scheduled.  I am hoping to find out when it is schedule this week.  If I don't, I think all parties involved (endo's office, health insurance, and Thyrogen manufacturer) will be getting an earful from me.  But currently, it is looking like I won't find out if these nodes are fine or not until September sometime.

Not to make this the LONGEST blog post in the history of blogs, but after a lot of reflection, I feel like there are some silver linings coming from this experience:

1)  After all these tests, we will know if these nodes are a problem or not.  We can move forward and deal with it if they are.  And if they are fine, then we know that for the future when I have neck ultrasounds done.

2)  I get to realize again how loved and supported I am.  The few people I have talked to since getting this news have been so supportive.  I'm reminded again of just how many great people I have around me and in my life.

3)  I honestly believe that part of this may be God's way of driving home the practice of patience.  I am not patient.  And I was really starting to get anxious about fertility stuff.  I was getting myself all worked up, thinking about how huge that process would be and how badly I wanted a baby, etc.  And having to deal with the possibility of there being something wrong again has kind of knocked me back into perspective.  Fertility stuff will be hard.  But no matter what the outcome, Phil and I will be alive and healthy and we will get our family somehow.  I need to take these big challenges one at a time and not let my mind race 12 steps ahead.

So I do feel like I am being pulled back.  I thought I was done with the cancer chapter of my life and here I sit, waiting for tests again.  But I feel like it will be ok.  And I feel like I am being prepared to shoot forward to something great.

Again, I'm going to ask for your prayers.  As positive as the end of this post has sounded, I am really really scared that something might be wrong.  And obviously, I really don't want to have anything wrong.  I am ready to be healthy for a while.  :)

I'm not Kosher

Friday was my appointment with my new endocrinologist.  It went really well.  He said a lot of things that I really liked:

-  I had one of the best surgeon's in the region.
-  It was a good decision to have the second surgery and radioactive iodine.
-  I have an excellent prognosis.
-  I can e-mail him directly with questions.
-  My labs can be done where ever I want.

Things like that.

He also switched my thyroid medicine.  I don't have to take pills all day long anymore.  Just one.  Made of pig thyroid.  After some research, I found out that a lot of people really like it, it's gluten-free, and there is some theory that because it is pig thyroid and not a synthetic hormone it works better in the body. 

Whatever.  As long as it works and makes me feel alright, I'm game.

Walgreen's was pretty interesting with it though.  In true Walgreen's fashion, they tried to give me the generic form of the drug.  (NOTE:  It isn't recommended to take the generic thyroid meds when you have thyroid cancer.  In other circumstances, I am all for generics.)  They explained to me that they wanted to give me the generic because it would save me money.  Duh.  Using the generic form of my old meds would have saved me $70/month.  That's $840.00 per year.  A definite savings.

The difference in price from the name brand and the generic of my new hormones... $1.  I think I can spring for the extra $12 per year.  I did a cost/benefit analysis on that one.  Where did I put my pro/con list?  Oh... here it is:

Pro Generic - Save $12 per year

Con Generic - That's 3 less grande mochas per year.  Or one and a half Essie nail polishes.  Or one cocktail.

Anyway.  The other thing that came from my appointment was that he wanted to go ahead and do my 6 month check up.  For a while (about 5 years), I will have some blood tests and neck ultrasounds done every six months to see if the cancer has come back.  I had my blood test done on Friday (won't get the results for a few days) and my neck ultrasound is today.

Today.

Geez.  I'm so done with having medical check-ups done.  In the last 3 weeks, I have had my skin check, annual, endo appointment, blood test, and now ultrasound. 

I just hate waiting for test results.

If you would please, could you pray/send good thoughts for my ultrasound today and other tests.  I would really appreciate it.

But my new thyroid meds mean I am definitely NOT kosher.  Who are we kidding?  I could never be kosher.  I love chocolate chip cookies (made with eggs and butter dunked in milk), bacon, bacon wrapped steak, pulled pork, mashed potatoes and gravy... you get the picture.

Conversations

I've been wanting to write this post for a while.  I actually wrote it the weekend after I got my scan results and was a little shy about posting it.  It isn't the best written post and I definitely wish it was better.  But the general message needs to be put out there.  I have gotten several wonderful comments regarding how strong I have been through this thyroid cancer period.  That strength is not from me.  Believe me.

The last year has been a definite test of faith for me, between the fertility news and then the cancer.  It is hard to go through things like that without thinking "why us?" or "seriously?!?  This too?"  Especially when EVERYONE around you seems to be having babies, living fabulous healthy lives, and winning the lottery (ok that might not have happened).

Not once did I feel abandoned by or angry at God.  Although I did feel like I had this conversation with God a few times:

Me:  I'm scared.

God:  I've got this all under control.  Don't worry.

Me:  How am I not supposed to worry?

God:  Just don't.  I'm here.  Trust Me.

Me:  Aren't You a little busy to be here with me?

God:  Never.

{image from HERE}

I know prayer works.  When people prayed for me to be calm and feel His peace, I felt it.  I mean, the thought of having someone cut open my throat was enough to push me into a full-on panic attack.  There isn't a doubt in my mind that if it hadn't been for God and His peace, I wouldn't have been able to handle this past year. 
During my one hour wait for my annual exam last week, between hearing fetal heart beats and running in front of pregnant women to give my urine sample, when the anxiety and worry of everything was getting to be just a little too much... I prayed.  I prayed for His peace to come over me.  I prayed for His comfort.  I prayed that everything would be fine.  And I prayed that if something did come back strange, that that it would be caught early, with an easy fix like last time.  And while I was still anxious and I was still scared, it was manageable.  And I felt God's presence with me.

I'm not saying that there won't be other challenges in the future for Phil and I.  I know there will be.  But I also know that I am not alone. 

And I know when we get ready to start the fertility stuff, I won't need to worry.  God's got it.