Conversations

I've been wanting to write this post for a while.  I actually wrote it the weekend after I got my scan results and was a little shy about posting it.  It isn't the best written post and I definitely wish it was better.  But the general message needs to be put out there.  I have gotten several wonderful comments regarding how strong I have been through this thyroid cancer period.  That strength is not from me.  Believe me.

The last year has been a definite test of faith for me, between the fertility news and then the cancer.  It is hard to go through things like that without thinking "why us?" or "seriously?!?  This too?"  Especially when EVERYONE around you seems to be having babies, living fabulous healthy lives, and winning the lottery (ok that might not have happened).

Not once did I feel abandoned by or angry at God.  Although I did feel like I had this conversation with God a few times:

Me:  I'm scared.

God:  I've got this all under control.  Don't worry.

Me:  How am I not supposed to worry?

God:  Just don't.  I'm here.  Trust Me.

Me:  Aren't You a little busy to be here with me?

God:  Never.

{image from HERE}

I know prayer works.  When people prayed for me to be calm and feel His peace, I felt it.  I mean, the thought of having someone cut open my throat was enough to push me into a full-on panic attack.  There isn't a doubt in my mind that if it hadn't been for God and His peace, I wouldn't have been able to handle this past year. 
During my one hour wait for my annual exam last week, between hearing fetal heart beats and running in front of pregnant women to give my urine sample, when the anxiety and worry of everything was getting to be just a little too much... I prayed.  I prayed for His peace to come over me.  I prayed for His comfort.  I prayed that everything would be fine.  And I prayed that if something did come back strange, that that it would be caught early, with an easy fix like last time.  And while I was still anxious and I was still scared, it was manageable.  And I felt God's presence with me.

I'm not saying that there won't be other challenges in the future for Phil and I.  I know there will be.  But I also know that I am not alone. 

And I know when we get ready to start the fertility stuff, I won't need to worry.  God's got it.