Thursday, July 12, 2012

Who doesn't love a good pelvic exam?

Disclaimer:  I know I have had quite a few deep and reflective posts lately.  Sometimes (and for most newlyweds in their 20's) life is sunshine and dancing in wheat fields.  But sometimes it isn't.  And that's just reality.  I promise I am still the funny, sarcastic, mildly bitchy person I used to be.  But life is different now.  And while the cancer thing is kind of behind me, it really isn't.  It never will be.  Hopefully you all aren't rolling your eyes and thinking "Gosh GET OVER IT!"  But if you are... Bite Me.  :)

It's been an interesting month or so.  There's several phases and stages of dealing with something like cancer/infertility.  The initial fear.  Then the shock.  The bravery and stubbornness that comes when you are going through the treatment process, which is also coupled with a little depression and self-pity.  Then it is over.  Elation comes.  And then things happen that bring the WHOLE THING come flooding back.

And that is what the last month has been.

Situations that are exactly the same as last year.  Doctor's appointments at the same office, in the same room, with the same doctor.  Follow-ups to make sure the cancer hasn't come back.  Hearing about other people's struggles and journeys through thyroid cancer.

I've tried to deal with it with a splash of optimism.  Saturday was the anniversary of when my nodules were discovered.  And I really wasn't sad or bitter about it.  I felt relief and excitement about the fact that my cancer had been found early, while it was easily treatable and the prognosis was excellent.  It was a day filled with gratitude and Phil and I celebrated with a trip to the dog park, a yummy homemade dinner, glass of sparkling wine and cuddling session on the couch.

But my annual appointment was hard.  It didn't help that I have PMS (never does).

First of all, it is some weird form of torture to be an infertile woman, sitting in the waiting room of an OB/GYN.  I want a separate entrance and waiting room.  Or at least give me an appointment time where I am not surrounded by pregnant women.  Could there have possibly been more pregnant women?  Many of them looking excited and hopeful, with their husband/baby-daddy by their side.

Gag me.

After making me wait 30 minutes past my appointment time, they lead me back to another room where they ask me if I am interested in any information on birth control.

Really?

I replied, "No thank you" with a smile on my face.

I finally get taken to my exam room (the same exam room I was in when she found my nodules), getting all nakie and prepped for my wonderful pelvic exam when I hear the rapid beating coming from the room next door.

A fetal heartbeat.

Geez.

After another 30 minutes of waiting, the nurse finally comes in while saying, "Well I'm sure glad we checked out your thyroid last year."

At this point, I had been trying to hold it together all morning (I was having a really good mascara day and didn't want to mess it up).  I used my 30 minutes of naked waiting time praying.  Praying for peace, praying that things will be alright, praying for patience and a kind heart.

It worked.  There didn't seem to be any real problems (fingers crossed). 

The nurse then talked with me about thyroid hormone regulation and the importance of not getting pregnant before my thyroid levels are stabilized.  She said it can take 6 months from the time of ablation to get things figured out.

Heck... I'm already 3 months past my ablation.  Half way through that 6 months.

There's the optimism sneaking in again.

I can't let myself get to a place where I am sad about not getting to be pregnant yet.  I need to give myself a break.  The bright red scar on my neck is a physical indication that things are still fresh and I am still healing. 

One step at a time.

It makes me all the more excited to meet with a new endocrinologist tomorrow.  That's the next step.

Aren't you excited you get the play by play of my medical life?  Yeah I have great boundaries.

15 comments:

  1. I love getting the play by plays. I do.
    But reading about your annual makes my parts get all shifty and twitchy at the thought of annuals.

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  2. Great post. I'm sure my wife, who will be having her pelvic exam tomorrow, will love this. Hope everything turns out after that exam. Keep us posted. surgical mesh lawyer information right over here.

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  3. You're right - give yourself a break! Major things have been tackled - major things are on the horizon! But I appreciate the "realness" of your posts....and still appreciate your tendency towards being "mildly bitchy" - makes life more interesting! ;)

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  4. LOL, you're disclaimer statement cracked me up! I'm glad to know you've kept your ability to lash that tongue! You are a funny one Mrs J. :)

    One step at a time.. :)

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  5. Not that I'm wanting to have kids right now or soon but I can relate to the obgyn appointment. I'm actively not trying to get pregnant and it always feels like there are 300 pregnant people near by when I go in- cant I just have annual exam people with me lol! Also I had to wait a looooong time for my appointment and then the WORST is waiting naked in the exam room really?!!!!!! Give me a blanket or at least let me keep my undies on while waiting another half hour ugh!!!!
    Love your upbeat attitude I'm sure it is what is helping to keep you healthy and strong!!!

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  6. i love the play-by-plays. but then again, i would.

    wanna make a deal? you get pregnant in 3 months, then you can hold my hand when i can try in 2 years. deal? deal.

    here's to having to wait...

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  7. I think you are brave. You keep writing about your wassa and I will keep writing about my hemmiroids and call it a good day in bogland

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  8. Glad everything went well and that you didn't let the past experiences creep into the current, as we all know so easily can!!

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  9. seriously this type of torture should be outlawed. it is in now way fair for you to have to sit with preggos, listen to heartbeats and to be reminded of your experience the year before over and over again. good for you to be able to poke fun at it.

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  10. I love reading your posts...you have such a great outlook on everything! And you're already 3 months down too - woo too!
    Anyway, the end of your post reminded me of a post awhile back on Bower Power. She did a PrePregnancy Bucket List to pass the time and not focus on pregnancy. Here's the link to it: http://www.bowerpowerblog.com/2012/02/prepregnancy-bucket-list/

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  11. I wish you had my number during this waiting period, you could have text me and I would have plotted revenge with you upon all the insensitivity.

    I'm very good at being mean to strangers who are effecting people in my life that I care about.

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  12. i do like hearing the play by plays, it's helpful! And I know exactly what you mean about waiting in the waiting room feeling tortured with all the prego woman around. I meet with fertility clinic next week so we'll see. Oh and just last summer is when I found out I am hypo- so luckily for me, that's stable and now we see what else could be an issue. Thanks for sharing!

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  13. Looks like we both linked up medical posts this week. ;) So glad you are doing well and you are 1/2 way through your 6 months!! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers for your next appointment and the next 3 months.

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  14. Ugh I just imagine how horrible it must be to be in the waiting room with all those pregnant women. And then the nurses asks if you want information on birth control? Really? I know they probably didn't know about your condition, but that's really insensitive on their part.

    Anyway, sorry things have been so hard for you in the past year or so, but it looks like things are looking up! Congrats on being halfway through your six months :)

    I'm your newest follower! I found you on the We're Not Mommy Blogs blog hop. Come check out my blog at preppypremed.blogspot.com. Thanks :)
    --Becky

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  15. You are so authentic, girl! I'm your newest follower over from the wiegands! Hope to see you over at our blog, The Moores!

    xo,
    Charissa

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Let's be friends. I hope your e-mail is attached to your profile! Then I can e-mail you back.

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