Who doesn't love a good pelvic exam?

Disclaimer:  I know I have had quite a few deep and reflective posts lately.  Sometimes (and for most newlyweds in their 20's) life is sunshine and dancing in wheat fields.  But sometimes it isn't.  And that's just reality.  I promise I am still the funny, sarcastic, mildly bitchy person I used to be.  But life is different now.  And while the cancer thing is kind of behind me, it really isn't.  It never will be.  Hopefully you all aren't rolling your eyes and thinking "Gosh GET OVER IT!"  But if you are... Bite Me.  :)

It's been an interesting month or so.  There's several phases and stages of dealing with something like cancer/infertility.  The initial fear.  Then the shock.  The bravery and stubbornness that comes when you are going through the treatment process, which is also coupled with a little depression and self-pity.  Then it is over.  Elation comes.  And then things happen that bring the WHOLE THING come flooding back.

And that is what the last month has been.

Situations that are exactly the same as last year.  Doctor's appointments at the same office, in the same room, with the same doctor.  Follow-ups to make sure the cancer hasn't come back.  Hearing about other people's struggles and journeys through thyroid cancer.

I've tried to deal with it with a splash of optimism.  Saturday was the anniversary of when my nodules were discovered.  And I really wasn't sad or bitter about it.  I felt relief and excitement about the fact that my cancer had been found early, while it was easily treatable and the prognosis was excellent.  It was a day filled with gratitude and Phil and I celebrated with a trip to the dog park, a yummy homemade dinner, glass of sparkling wine and cuddling session on the couch.

But my annual appointment was hard.  It didn't help that I have PMS (never does).

First of all, it is some weird form of torture to be an infertile woman, sitting in the waiting room of an OB/GYN.  I want a separate entrance and waiting room.  Or at least give me an appointment time where I am not surrounded by pregnant women.  Could there have possibly been more pregnant women?  Many of them looking excited and hopeful, with their husband/baby-daddy by their side.

Gag me.

After making me wait 30 minutes past my appointment time, they lead me back to another room where they ask me if I am interested in any information on birth control.

Really?

I replied, "No thank you" with a smile on my face.

I finally get taken to my exam room (the same exam room I was in when she found my nodules), getting all nakie and prepped for my wonderful pelvic exam when I hear the rapid beating coming from the room next door.

A fetal heartbeat.

Geez.

After another 30 minutes of waiting, the nurse finally comes in while saying, "Well I'm sure glad we checked out your thyroid last year."

At this point, I had been trying to hold it together all morning (I was having a really good mascara day and didn't want to mess it up).  I used my 30 minutes of naked waiting time praying.  Praying for peace, praying that things will be alright, praying for patience and a kind heart.

It worked.  There didn't seem to be any real problems (fingers crossed). 

The nurse then talked with me about thyroid hormone regulation and the importance of not getting pregnant before my thyroid levels are stabilized.  She said it can take 6 months from the time of ablation to get things figured out.

Heck... I'm already 3 months past my ablation.  Half way through that 6 months.

There's the optimism sneaking in again.

I can't let myself get to a place where I am sad about not getting to be pregnant yet.  I need to give myself a break.  The bright red scar on my neck is a physical indication that things are still fresh and I am still healing. 

One step at a time.

It makes me all the more excited to meet with a new endocrinologist tomorrow.  That's the next step.

Aren't you excited you get the play by play of my medical life?  Yeah I have great boundaries.