5 Things Friday: What the WHAT?!? Edition

So I may have taken a bit of a hiatus from blogging in the last month.  Life... it's busy.  And frankly, when you are working 45-50 hours a week, there really isn't too much to blog about.  The creative juices weren't flowing.  And I really don't want to fill my blog up with stuff just for the sake of posting.

The good news is that after A MONTH, I actually have some stuff to blog about.  And I figured what better time to start back up than 5 Things Friday.

This list is comprised of the shocking "SERIOUSLY?!" moments that have happened basically in the last week.  It's been a good one.

1.  I was at the ENT the other day (for a hearing test) and the doctor was giving my neck an exam.  What that had to do with my hearing, I have NO idea.  He starts at the top of my neck, working his way down, and vocalizing all of the things he feels along the way.  Lymph nodes, carotid artery, thyroid...

Thyroid?!

Me:  Um... I don't have a thyroid.

Dr.:  Ok, let's check again...

Proceeds to re-do neck exam, and when he gets to where my thyroid should be,

Dr:  Well, right here, I feel the cartilidge.  I just assumed you have a small thyroid.  It's not like you have cancer though.

Me:  I did have cancer.  Which is why you'd better not feel any thyroid in there.

Starts neck exam AGAIN.

Dr:  No I don't feel any residual thyroid tissue in there.

Yeah, I feel like I'm in such good hands.

This might not seem like a big deal, but if I have thyroid tissues, that means my cancer has come back.  So it kind of is a big deal.  In the past, this would have really freaked me out.  But I had an ultrasound and bloodwork done in December that showed NO thyroid tissue in my thyroid bed and the bloodwork showed NO sign of thyroid tissue (aka cancer).  But I honestly can't believe that it happened.


2.  Later that same day, I went to a committee meeting.  We have had these meetings almost every month for over two years, so when the meetings first started, I was fairly pregnant.  And if you recall, I was not a small pregnant woman.  I was one of those unfortunate, not cute, chubby pregnant ladies.  And I have since then lost all that baby weight.

Like a year ago.  So I was a little confused when TWO people said:

"You look really different since the last time we saw you!"

Granted we haven't met in probably 3 months, but I was a little confused.  So I asked, "Oh yeah?  How so?"

Response, "Well didn't you recently have a baby?"

2 YEARS AGO!

And it would have been one thing if these were large meetings (they aren't) or if I was silent during the entire meeting (I'm not) or if it were just one person (but it wasn't).

I guess I should get rid of the shirt I was wearing.


3.  I'm not going to go into details on this next one, but let me just say this...

When you are interviewing for a job, it is probably best to NOT look down the employers blouse while shaking her hand good-bye.

Just a piece of advice from me to you.


4.  I was taking a drink of coffee and missed my mouth.

{Don't worry... we won't really have people sleep in the kitchen}

Can we say "Professional?"  I suppose it could be worse?  Like I could have dropped chili on the plans.


5.  My family was together a few weeks ago and I casually told a story mentioning that I had baby fever.  Here are some examples of the response I got:

"Not yet!"

Downcast stares with a subtle head shake.

At least one person looked at Phil and said, "No."

I'm probably the ONLY one left in my family that will have kids, so this reaction surprised me.  They all LOVE Henry.  And I'm pretty sure I didn't get a say in their family planning.  It just seemed like a strange reaction.

I mean, look at Henry:

He's so cute!  Obviously we should have like a dozen more babies.



So hopefully you have a good weekend and nobody says (or does) anything weird to you!

I need to forget...

My little man is almost a year old!  This time last year my water had broken, even though I didn't know it.  I just thought I had lost control of my bladder a little.  It was pouring down rain.  Phil and I went out to breakfast and then to Target to do laps while I had some contractions.

I can and can't believe it all at the same time.  Having a brand new baby usually keeps people from asking about your family planning plans, but as the baby gets older, the question comes back up.  I know this partially because I ask other people the same question (I'm a big believer in having absolutely no shame).

But whenever I get asked this question, I think people are a little taken back by my response.  It probably isn't the response ("Not for a little while longer") as much as the utter look of terror that crosses my face.  And I think that surprises some people because I have always been very vocal about wanting a large family.  I still do want a big family...

However...

There are a few things I need to forget before I am ready incubate another human.

-  Pregnancy wasn't so bad for me.  I didn't have morning sickness, but instead had terrible indigestion.  I didn't have to pee a million times in the middle of the night.  Sure, I was uncomfortable at the end but I plan on counterbalancing that the next time around with a king bed and giant pregnancy pillow.  You know what did hit me hard... pregnancy weight gain.  I ate pretty stinkin' healthy and still managed to gain 59 lbs.  I gained a steady pound a week for the first 2/3rd of the pregnancy.  That much weight gain was terrifying.  And even though I had lots of women telling me that I would lose the weight and not to worry, it sucks to gain so much and feel like an absolute whale.  I have very few pictures from my pregnancy with Henry because I was so embarrassed with how I looked.  I need to forget about the weight gain.  Next pregnancy... much more working out.

-  I won't even get into his birth because I think I am still traumatized from it.  How I ended up avoiding a c-section is beyond me, but I think it is SOLELY because of Phil and Joanna.  If they hadn't been there cheering me on, I would have given up during pushing.  After 2 FULL DAYS of labor and 2 hours of pushing every 2 minutes, I seriously almost gave up.  The kid's giant head was stuck on my pelvic bone.  Next pregnancy... A LOT of walking and squatting.

-  It started almost immediately after he was born.  I thought I was allergic to the bed sheets, since my toes were super itchy.  Turns out it had actually started before he was born.  The rash I had all over my stomach turned out to be a hormonal rash.  It moved to my feet after he was born and then spread up my legs.  Awful little blisters everywhere that burned and itched so bad.  Showers made me itch.  Blankets made me itch.  Pants made me itch.  The only thing that helped with the searing pain was bags of ice.  It only lasted about 7 days and then it started getting better.  Next time, I am going to start taking Zyrtec at like 37 weeks.  Plus someone told me that they got the rash once, but didn't get it with their next two pregnancies.  Fingers (and itchy toes) crossed.

-  The hormones didn't just give me a rash, but also some AWFUL baby blues.  Looking back, I actually think I had a little post-partum depression.  When the evenings came, I just wanted to cry.  I hated being in our bedroom so much that we actually camped out in our living room for almost a month, sleeping on the couches.  My parents spent a lot of time over at our house that first month and every time they would leave, I would cry.  I didn't actually snap out of it until we went back to Virginia for an emergency trip when Phil's dad was in the hospital.  And even then, I cried as we packed.  I'm hopeful that this next time won't be as bad because it won't be as overwhelming.

-  Pumping.  I hate pumping.  Breastfeeding is no problem.  If I could stay home with him all the time, it would be fine (except for the biting.  Ouch).  Don't get me wrong, I am super thankful I have been able to pump and have enough milk to last for basically a full year.  But I HATE pumping.  I need to forgot about my disdain for pumping.

-  Henry is an awesome baby.  I seriously don't know how we lucked out.  I take ZERO credit for how cute and happy he is.  So it isn't like we have had a super challenging babe to take care of.  Quite the opposite.  If I could be guaranteed to have all my babies be just like him, I could have half a dozen (although I would like at least ONE baby to be cuddly, please!  I only get Henry cuddles when he is sick).  But there are no guarantees in life (except death and taxes, I suppose) and I am slightly terrified that we will get a very high-maintenance little one next time.

-  Daycare.  It is EX.PEN.SIVE.  Seriously.  I at least need Henry to get out of the baby room before we have another kid.  Ideally, it would be nice if he was out of the potty-training room (yes... they do the potty-training at daycare).  It drops significantly in price.


I don't mean to sound like I am complaining.  I am overjoyed that I was able to experience pregnancy and childbirth since I know there are so many women who can't.  Ultimately, the real reason I want to wait a little while longer is because I am absolutely loving all the time with Henry.  We get to focus all of our attention on just him.  It won't ever be like this again.  Just the 3 of us.  So while I am trying to forget about all the reasons above, I am enjoying my little man.  Was he worth absolutely everything I listed?  Totally.  Without a doubt.  I'd go through even more for him.

But if given the choice, can we please skip the rash next time?

Baby Weight

DISCLAIMER:  I have had various versions of this post written for MONTHS, but have been afraid to post it.  And that seems silly.  So I am doing it.  Because some of us gain more than the recommended 25 lbs during pregnancy, no matter how healthy we eat.  And that's ok.

I'm a fairly healthy person.

Phil and I worked out like crazy before our wedding.  We were both in pretty darn good shape.  And it wasn't just about working out.  We were pretty deliberate about what we ate as well.  We are talking fruits and veggies, quinoa, brown rice, chicken breasts, etc.

Sure we both gained a little weight after the wedding.  "Happy weight" as my mom likes to call it.  I blame all the fantastic cookbooks I received.  :)  But it still wasn't too bad.

And then when I went through the thyroid cancer stuff, I figured my weight would most definitely go up.  I guess it is fairly common for women to gain weight through thyroid fluctuations.  So I was pretty proud of myself when I went through the whole treatment process (which took over a year) and managed to not gain much weight.  Maybe 5 pounds.

Then I got pregnant.  And it didn't matter what I ate, I gained weight.  A pound a week for a while.  I got the lectures from my doctor.  And the warnings that it was important to try and lose the weight before Henry's 1st birthday.  At the end when it would be 5 pounds one week, then nothing the next week, followed by 5 pounds the next week.  My doctor wasn't too concerned at the end.  She saw how swollen I was and told me women with thyroid diseases tend to gain a lot of water weight.

Phil kept track of my weight for me so that I wouldn't have to.  I was pretty happy in my ignorance not knowing.  I had a pretty good idea, but didn't need to know exact numbers.  But my labor nurse let the cat out of the bag when I was checking into the hospital.

About 59 pounds.

I seriously don't know how that happened.  I didn't eat that much.  I didn't eat a bunch of bad stuff.  I followed the Brewer diet.  Lots of fruits, veggies, yogurt, hard-boiled eggs, etc.  Even ask my co-worker.   I didn't pull a Jessica Simpson.  My body just packed it on.

{A few days before Henry's arrival.  Large and not in charge}

{photo by Annie Groves Photography}

Henry was only 8 lbs of that.  I mean, thank GOODNESS he wasn't any more.  I kind of wish he had only been like 7 lbs of that, but whatever.  :)

Everyone assured me it would come right off, but not necessarily right away.  So I held off getting on the scale.  Then my curiosity got the best of me.  I hopped on the scale, keeping my expectations SUPER low.  I held my breath and told myself I wasn't going to let whatever it said affect my mood.

I was pleasantly surprised when the scale showed I had already lost 30 pounds.

12 days post-delivery... 30 pounds down.

But those were the easy pounds.  It was mostly fluid.  The other 29 lbs were going to be the hard part.  And I was determined to lose every. last. pound.  I had to show my doctors that they didn't need to lecture me at every single appointment.  At the same time, I knew it took 9 months to put it on, it was going to take some time to come off.

I tried not to worry about it.  I wore maternity clothes for a couple more months.  And after that, I still wore things a size or two bigger than I needed to.

When everything started happening with Phil's dad and I was thrust into dealing with a dying relative, a grieving husband who went across the country every month, and taking care of an infant all by myself, I didn't eat a whole lot.  That plus breastfeeding and I was down to just 7 pounds left to lose when Henry was 6 months old.

That was right around when Ed passed away.  When I am stressed, I lose my appetite.  I lost another few pounds over Thanksgiving.

Then Henry got sick when we got home.  I lost a couple more pounds.

I started going to the gym at lunch and a couple more went away.

When Henry went into the hospital, I lost a few more.

And then I was sick and barely ate for like a week.  There went a couple more.

At this point, I've lost all my baby weight plus another 7 pounds.

66 lbs.

I suppose you could call it "diet" but it isn't something I would recommend.  Believe me.  Loss, stress, and breastfeeding will do wonders.

I guess my main point here is that if you are pregnant and gaining more than the "recommended" weight, don't stress about it.  It won't happen overnight, but it will come off.  Especially if you breastfeed.

I'm so jealous of women who get to be cute and pregnant.  I am most definitely not one of them.  I am hopeful that if I do get pregnant in the future, I will be able to keep the weight gain down a little.  Hopefully I won't need extreme stress to do it.

Postpartum Days

Wow... I'm a great blogger.

I got an e-mail from our Bradley instructor asking for our birth story, so I will be working on that soon.  And I guess I am feeling brave enough to share it.  I gave the reader's digest version to one of our friends from the Bradley class last week and realized just how not super pleasant the whole experience was.  It's ok though.  Everything turned out fine.

But I do think the experience has caused my postpartum days to be a little different than what is typical.  I honestly wonder what would have been easier, this recovery or recovery from a c-section.  And I hate to complain because I know what an absolute gift it is to be pregnant and give birth to a healthy baby.  So don't think of this as complaining.  I will just say that I think one method of preventing teenage pregnancy might be to have teenage girls come spend time with some postpartum women.

So far, we are adjusting fairly well to the new little man in our lives.  We honestly had a few rough days when we first got home.  One of my not-so-normal postpartum gifts was a full body rash.  Apparently it is a hormonal thing that just takes 7 to 10 days to go away and there is really nothing you can do to make it better.  I found myself using bags of ice to just take away as much of the overwhelming desire to itch.

The rash made everything SO MUCH more dramatic.  It wasn't just that my milk wasn't coming.  My milk wasn't coming it AND I HAD AN AWFUL RASH.  It wasn't just that Henry was super fussy from being starving.  He was super fussy AND I WANTED TO RIPE MY OWN SKIN OFF.

I think it made my Baby Blues so much worse than maybe they would have been otherwise.  But thankfully I have had Phil and my parents keeping tabs on me.  I think I am doing better now.  I still have some random crying.  Like this afternoon when I cried at the ending of Con-Air.  Have you ever seen Con-Air?  The awful acting is what should have made me cry, not the story line.  Phil laughed at me when I started crying because it was so ridiculous.  Can't blame him on that one.

Henry is now 11 days old and the rash is FINALLY subsiding.  My Baby Blues are getting better.  And we are starting to figure out feeding (I think I will do a separate post on that) and parts of our little man's personality.  It helps that he is SO STINKIN' CUTE!!

{Cotton LOVES Henry.  Maybe a little too much.}

{Blurry but cute}

I will work on being a better blogger.  Maybe now that the rash is almost gone.  :)

Maternity Leave

40 weeks and 4 days.  Still no baby.  And my boss (aka my father) told me I am done working starting today.  At least for a little while.

One inevitable thing that eventually comes up when you have a baby... what happens with your job?

Are you going to keep working?  Will you become a SAHM?  What are you doing for maternity leave?

Sometimes people ask.  Sometimes they don't.  But I think everyone is curious.  At least other women are always curious.  I know in my time as a blogger I have read several posts about new mom's plans regarding working and their new baby.

As a professional and business owner, I've had to juggle a lot of feelings regarding maternity leave and being a working mom.  One thing that  I know for sure is that being a stay at home mom for me isn't in the cards for me.  A huge part of me is insanely jealous of those moms that get to stay home with their kids all day.

I know maternity leave is important.  Not only will I physically need the time to heal from having the baby, but the baby and I will need the time to bond and work out this whole feeding and sleeping thing.  Even though I know these things, a part of me feels really guilty when it comes to maternity leave.  A part of maternity leave means that I won't be there to do my job.  And that means that someone else will have to do the tasks I would normally perform at my job.  Maybe this wouldn't be a big deal for most people.  But because I work with my dad and he and I are the only engineers, that means my dad has more work to do.

And that makes me feel guilty.

He already is the hardest working person at the company and now he has to work more because I am going to be home on maternity leave.

On the flip side, I know several women who get  months of paid maternity leave.  Their jobs actually pay them to stay home with their babies while someone else does their job.

And then there are some people I work with who have referred to maternity leave as a "vacation".  Pretty sure that recovering from pushing a human out of my body, feeding him, and bonding with him is not a vacation.  But then again, that's what you get when you work with men.  It reminds me of the following quote from Friends:

Rachel: What do you mean, you're taking over my job.
Gavin: Well, while you were on your baby vacation, I was *doing* your job.
Rachel: A vacation? My idea of a vacation does not involve something sucking on my nipples until they are raw.
Gavin: Clearly you've never been to Sandal's Paradise Island.

Or you can watch the video HERE.  It starts at about 36 seconds.

The fact that I work in a very male dominated industry doesn't help either.  I'm not sure many of the people I work with are used to an engineer being gone for long periods of time.  It's usually the engineer's wife that has the baby, not the engineer.  It's almost like I feel as if being a woman and needing maternity leave makes me less of an employee.  Like it is baggage or something.  I have no idea why I feel that way.

And I wonder if I would have the same feelings of guilt if I worked with a majority of women, instead of men.

I have shared these feelings with a few women I know and they have done their best to assure me that maternity leave is nothing to feel guilty about.  I guess there are some Scandinavian countries where women get like 2 years of paid maternity.  It's just in our country that we don't value women and childbirth.

In terms of my maternity leave... we will be playing it by ear.  I'm fairly certain I won't be having a traditional maternity leave period.  I will be working to a certain extent, whether that be from home or whatever.  And the whole time, I'll be doing my best to eliminate any guilt I may be feeling.  As my mom told me, moms always feel guilty, no matter what they do.  They feel guilty if they work.  They feel guilty if they don't.  

But after everything it took to get us here, I know I will be enjoying the time with my baby.  That is for sure.

A Letter

To my baby boy,

I've attempted to write you letters several times during this pregnancy, but the words would never come.  From the very beginning, your existence has been too good to be true.  I was starting to feel like your daddy and I weren't meant to be parents the traditional way, or maybe at all.  There really wasn't a day that went by that my heart didn't ache for a family, for you.

{amazing photography by Annie Groves Photography}

Even though I knew I needed to be patient, to wait to be through with thyroid cancer so we could move forward, each day felt like forever.  Every time I heard of someone else being pregnant or having a baby, I would get angry.  I was mad it was so easy for them when it was so hard for me.  I was upset I had to have cancer.  I was disabled by how unfair the situation felt.  I couldn't understand why I was being kept from you.

And then I got a feeling.  I got my scan and blood test results both back on Tuesday.  By Thursday, I was pretty sure I was pregnant.  On Friday, I knew you were in my belly.

{amazing photography by Annie Groves Photography}

There are no words to describe how happy, excited, and overjoyed your daddy and I were.  You are the answer to our prayers and your timing couldn't have been more perfect.  Almost the second your existence was ok, you were with us.  It's as if God knew we couldn't wait any longer for you.

{amazing photography by Annie Groves Photography}

As excited as I am to meet you, a part of me is nervous for you to be born.  For the last 9 months, it has been you and me.  You've been with me every second of every day, with gentle (and not so gentle) kicks and rolls.  Constant reminders of the gift from God that you are and how lucky I am.  You're especially active during meetings, which makes me smile.  And when I start to feel nervous about how you're doing, you always move, letting me know that you're alright.  After you're born, I'll have to share you with everyone else.  I won't be able to keep you safe one hundred percent of the time and I worry for how the world will treat you.

{amazing photography by Annie Groves Photography}

There are so many prayers and hopes I have for you, little boy.  I pray you'll have your daddy's kind soul and good manners.  I pray you'll be smart and make good choices.  I pray you'll have empathy for others.  I pray you'll constantly look for the good in the world and ways you can make it better.  I pray you'll find your passion in life and work towards it.  I pray you'll find a nice person to marry and share your life with.  I pray that every day you know how much your daddy and I love you.  I pray I can be the mother you deserve me to be.  I pray that you will continue to be a gift from God to the world, just as you've been a gift from God to us.

You are my dream come true and I can't wait to meet you.


Love,

Your Momma


PS - Today is your official due date.  It's time to come out.

The dreaded "I" word

Well, my appointment showed I had progressed to....

ZERO


And the little guy still hadn't budged down one tiny bit.

All that walking and the kid hadn't budged.

Even though I still have some time before I absolute HAVE to do it, it was time to start talking about the possibility of being induced.

Phil and I took a Bradley Method birth classes a few months ago.  For those of you not familiar with the Bradley Method (also called Husband coached childbirth) it basically teaches that you should avoid unnecessary medical inventions when it comes to giving birth.  As someone who is eager to avoid an epidural and/or c-section, this is right up my alley.

I'm not sure where my fear of the epidural and c-section come from.  Maybe it is because I feel like I've had enough stuff done to my body lately.  My last body scan had me laying on a curved board for over an hour, during which I lost the feeling in my arms and legs and it FREAKED me out.  I did not like the feeling one bit.  I felt a little trapped in my own body.  The idea of having that done with an epidural just doesn't sound appealing I guess.

I'm not saying I'm going to have a natural childbirth.  I have no idea what childbirth will feel like and whether or not I will be able to handle the pain well or have the energy to sustain a long labor.  But I wanted to make sure I had all the tools possible to give me a fighting chance.  And I reserve the right to change my mind at any point, without judgement.  :)

Anyway, "induction" is kind of a dirty word in the Bradley arena.  It's not as bad as episiotomy which is basically another word for "the devil" but it is spoken with a bit of distaste in the mouth.  I think everyone is aware that Pitocin can be a bit of a game changer.

So a small part of me cringes a little at the idea of being induced.  But since this child is currently planning on starting his first day of preschool in my womb, it is a reality.  And we kind of decided that if we set an induction date, then we probably wouldn't need it (Murphy's Law).

May 26th

I will be 41 weeks and 1 day.

I feel like that is long enough to be pregnant.  I will have given it the good college try when it comes to getting this baby out naturally.  My dues will have been paid.  If the other women in my Bradley class want to judge, too bad because they have ALL had their babies already (insert jealous screams and crying fits).

Now that we have a date set, I feel so much better.  While the thought of having to be pregnant another 9 days kind of makes me want to cry, it also gives me 9 days to get him out on my own.  And it gives me 9 more days to get mentally prepared for what an induction could entail.  Get into a zen-like place.

I'm off to meditate.

9 more days, TOPS.


PS - Any comments about how awful inductions are and should be avoided like the plague are NOT welcome.  Seriously... why would you think I would want to hear that at this point?

39.5 weeks

I'm feeling especially brave today.  I must be feeling brave to post this picture:

{Hello swollen fingers and wrists.  And yes... 

it takes a lot of focus to take a picture sometimes.}

It's either that or I have just stopped caring.  Plus the phone is strategically placed in front of my ever-swelling face so that helps. (SIDE NOTE: I had 2 pictures up and deleted one of them so obviously my bravery is failing fast.)

And I needed to put up the pictures before my doctor's appointment this afternoon.  If I get more great news like I did last week, I'll probably be curled up in a ball crying tonight.  :)  At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if my child had constructed a steel gate at my cervix so he doesn't have to come out.  I mean, I've always prided myself on being a good hostess, but this is getting a little ridiculous.

I was feeling fairly discouraged this weekend because I did absolutely NOTHING that could be considered nesting.  I sat and napped and made mental lists of all of the things I should be doing, everything that needed to be done before we had a baby and had a bunch of people coming over to our house.  But I have ZERO motivation to actually get any of it done.  And I've heard that women usually get a big surge of nesting right before they go into labor, so I had come to the following conclusion:

no nesting = no baby

Dang.

But there is a glimmer of hope.  Last night I organized the DVDs, dusted, and folded laundry.  Then I woke up this morning and decided that I HAD to clean the bathroom before I got in the shower.

So even if I am not nesting, at least my bathroom is sparkling.

Fort Knox

I used to be a total morning person.  We are talking "go to the gym at 5 in the morning" type of morning person.  For the past year and a half (thanks thyroid), I can't get my lazy bones out of the bed to save my life.

But for the past couple of weeks, the thought of rolling over one more time is just too much to handle.  So I've been getting up at more of a morning person appropriate time.

That meant 5:50 this morning.

So I got ready, made breakfast and did some laundry.  Because I'm crazy like that.  And then I still got to work 20 minutes early.  Just in time to find out that my coworker's wife had had her baby.

Insert insane bits of jealousy.  I managed to not cry, so we will count it as a win for me.

At this point, I feel pretty bad for Phil.  You see... I had a doctor's appointment yesterday.  And while I was hoping to hear, "Oh my gosh!  Your baby is practically half-way birthed!" instead I heard, "The baby has actually gone further up than down and your uterus is like Fort Knox."

Ok that's not really what she said.  But that's basically the message I took away.

But you know the doctor knows it's not the best news to tell a very pregnant woman when she also follows the "you're not dilated at all" news with several lines of "this doesn't mean labor is far away" and "I just had a mom in your same situation" type of statements.

The main remedy?  Brisk walking.

So that's what Phil and I did last night.  He took ahold of both dogs and we went for the longest walk to the pharmacy ever.  We must have been quite the sight to see.  And if I had been thinking about anything other than my ascending child, I probably would have taken some pictures.  Basically, it was me waddling down the sidewalk as fast as my swollen feet would go with Phil essentially cross-country skiing with our dogs that act like they have never been on a leash in their lives.  Taylor also managed to poop like 4 times, each time just as we were too far away from a garbage can to justify going back.

We are never taking both of them on a walk again.

So after we returned home, Phil got to deal with his super swollen, sweaty, emotional "I'm going to be pregnant forever" wife.  I'm sure it is just what he needed with the week we've had.

The plus side... my coworkers have been commenting on how well I am handling the end of my pregnancy.  So at least I am able to hold together some professional demeanor in the work place.  And that's good because I'm about to start wearing sweatpants and Phil's shirts to work.

If you need me, I'll be out walking/waddling.

PS - If you google "pregnant forever" you'll get a lot of pictures of Jessica Simpson.  Like this one:

That strangely makes me feel better.

What to Expect...

{image source}

When the movie What to Expect When You're Expecting first came to the theaters, Phil and I vowed we would not be seeing it.  It was in the middle of my cancer stuff and the moratorium on my uterus.  We weren't sure if we were ever going to be able to have kids and seeing that movie just seemed like a means of torture.

Of course everyone and their dog saw the movie.  Or at least it seemed like it.  And they RAVED about it.  So after I found out I was pregnant and the movie came out on DVD, I figured I could probably watch it.  But Phil and I never got around to it.  I almost watched it with some girlfriends once, but we ended up sitting around and talking the whole time instead (always the best alternative).

Last week, I noticed the movie was on Netflix and figured this was a sign that I should finally watch it (since I wouldn't have to actually GO rent it).  After some Mexican food take-out and a nap yesterday, Phil and I sat down and watched the whole thing.

I hated it.

It was like watching my every fear played out on the screen before me.

-  The couple who takes 2 years to get pregnant (sounds familiar) finally gets pregnant only to find a relative who got pregnant SUPER easy and has the easiest of pregnancies ends up having to have a C-section and almost dies.  Like I needed that in my head right before I give birth.

-  The couple adopting who struggle with the idea of getting ready for the baby.  And then when they finally go get him, J. Lo says, "I've been waiting for you."  Pretty much exactly how I feel about this baby who is refusing to be born.  Like at 38 weeks pregnant I needed a reason to cry?

-  The couple who has a miscarriage.  Thankfully I have not experienced having a miscarriage.  But I know people how have and it was almost a debilitating fear I had for the first 13 weeks of my pregnancy.  I honestly stopped exercising because I was afraid I was going to do something wrong.

The only redeeming aspect of the whole movie was the Dad's Club.

I'm not sure that people who haven't experienced challenges when it comes to having babies can ever fully understand the kind of pain and loss that comes with it.  And even though we are lucky enough to get to experience a normal, healthy pregnancy, it will never erase all the struggle that came with getting here.  Personally, I think it has made me a more compassionate and empathetic person.  And there is no doubt in my mind that it has changed the way I will parent my kids.

But I hated the movie.  Just thought I'd share.

5 Things Friday

Another Friday is upon us and the weather here is AMAZING.  Or at least that is what I hear.  I'm at my desk, working away tirelessly to try and get my all my work done in case the little man makes his appearance  this weekend.

Without further ado... I give you 5 Things Friday.

1.  This week has kicked my butt.  Next week doesn't look to be any kinder.  Phil's been trying to get me to relax a little bit more.  I guess he read something about how the c-section rate was higher for women who work right up until they give birth.  In an effort to combat how unrelaxing my week has been and will be, I will be spending the weekend relaxing as much as possible.

I should take notes from these guys:

2.  And that will be a little easier because I'm not the only one nesting.  I came home yesterday to find Phil madly cleaning the house.  He had dusted, vacuumed, did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen.  Points for Phil.

3.  I was not so secretly hoping that the full moon would have some kind of lunar effect on me and I'd have the baby.  It didn't work.  And it was supposed to be a strong one, too.  Maybe it's effects will still work this weekend?

Although I did have 2 dreams last night about the baby.  In the first one, the baby died in-utero.  That one was awful.  In the second one, I went to the hospital because I maybe thought I was in labor even though I wasn't really in pain (super wishful thinking on my part).  Turns out I was super in labor and before anyone could check me, I gave two small pushes and the baby was born.  Phil hadn't even made it to the hospital yet.  And in the dream it took me an hour to call him.  When I finally did, he was REALLY mad at me.  Also strange about the dream... the baby was a doll.  Literally.  A hard plastic baby doll.  It was weird.

4.  Yeah I'm pretty sure he won't be born this weekend.  I kind of have a feeling he's going to hang around AS LONG as possible.  You know those stories of women who go 2 weeks past their due dates with no signs of labor and then end up having to be induced but the induction takes FOREVER... I can see myself being one of those women.  I'm not sure what freaks me out more... the idea of a long and painful induction or another month of being pregnant.  I'd better not think about it too much.

5.  But as of tomorrow, we are officially 37 weeks which means FULL TERM!  I'm pretty excited!  That means I can start all those natural induction methods, right?  The March of Dimes would disagree.  I may or may not sit around this weekend with Phil pressing the outside of my ankle.


Ok so that whole thing was pregnancy related and not nearly that funny.  I'll work on it.

A Surge

Nesting...

It's no joke.

There have been a couple of times I have thought I was bit with the nesting bug.  Now I know, that was nothing compared to the nesting that comes with the last few weeks of pregnancy.

Sleep is a cruel joke.  Not that I don't love 2 to 3 hour naps interupted by the need to empty a tablespoon of urine or simply roll over.  But it hasn't exactly been restful.

The thing about the nesting... it doesn't matter.

Who needs sleep?

By about 6, I'm willing it to be a socially acceptable time for me to get out of bed.

I think I'm starting to scare Phil a little.  Between the stress of cancer and surgeries and hormone imbalances and then pregnancy, I have been my fair share of needy.  The poor guy has done a REALLY great job of taking care of me.  I mean, he makes my lunches for me.  I'm truly a lucky lady.

The past couple of mornings, my early wake-up has given me some free time on my hands.  I've been making my own lunch, helping him make his a little, I made his coffee for him this morning (which he didn't expect so he spilled some of it going to make it himself) and have helped out with the dogs all while getting ready completely not rushed and getting out the door on time.

I know that shouldn't be a big accomplishment, but it definitely hasn't been the norm in our house.

My nesting is taking over at work as well.  I have a mountain of a "To-Do" list I need to get done before my "maternity leave" (you don't quite get normal maternity leave when you are a business owner) starts.  The last couple of days, some of my tasks included putting together calculation packets I had done.  It ended up being a couple hundred pages of folding and about 1,000 pages of paper.

{Yes I instragrammed a stack of paper.  It's because I know you care.}

Once I finished that, I cleaned off my desk so well people thought I had quit or been robbed or something.

No place is safe.

Cotton had better watch out or he will be groomed "show ready" just because I'm bored.

A GIANT

We had what will hopefully be our LAST ultrasound for Baby Janney yesterday.  Laying on your back for 30 minutes with a full bladder while some pushes an ultrasound sensor against your protruding belly is definitely not a fun experience.  And since she spent 25 minutes measure things like his head and he abdomen (and freaking me out by spending like 10 minutes looking at his heart), with approximately 2.5 seconds to get a glance at his face, I had plenty of time to focus on my lack of comfort.

At one point, as she was attempting to measure his femur with her firmly pressured sensor, she proclaimed, "Oh there's his leg bone!"  I'm thinking, "Yeah, he jabs me with it constantly and your currently pressing REALLY hard on it.  I know it's his leg bone."  But I didn't say anything.  Humanity points for me.

But as his Momma, I can proudly boast that he has the cutest little abdomen/femur/head I've ever seen.  And she was able to give us a couple of pictures of his cramped little face.

{He's looking a little cramped in there.  Let's go at least 3 more week, buddy!}

He spent the whole time sleeping (which was probably loads better than punching like he at the last ultrasound) with his hand resting across his forehead.  Phil says I sleep the exact same way.  He's already a little Momma's Boy.  :)

Here's the scary part... they are already estimating that he weighs 6 lbs.  Now I know that is just an estimate and they can be off.  But the perinatologist then mentioned that they usually gain about 0.5 lb per week.  I've got about 6 weeks left.

I'll go ahead and bust out my gigantic engineer's calculator for you... that's a 9 pound baby at full term.

9 pounds!!

Yowza!

I pointed out that my mom had 9 pound babies and the doctor then she hoped I had my mom's pelvis.

That weird comment was followed with, "You'd be surprised what will fit out of there."

...

Let's just say the natural induction techniques will begin promptly at 37 weeks.  If you have any suggestions about that, I'm more than happy to hear them.  I'll be here, gathering Mexican and Thai food menus.

This Stuff Only Happens to Me, I Think

Yesterday morning, I had an appointment with my OB.  It was just your ordinary, run of the mill, check-up on the baby.  Nothing special.  Phil and I had a couple of questions, but nothing major.  It ended up being a fairly eventful appointment, with some good information and I left feeling super excited like the baby would be coming ANY DAY now (which of course I hope isn't the case).

SIDE NOTE:  She didn't really say he'd be coming any day now.  She just got me excited talking about HOW CLOSE we were to being done.

One of the highlights of the appointment came at the beginning.

We walked into the exam room, where I immediately put down my purse and was handed the dixie cup I was to use for the obligatory urine sample.  The bathroom was  located on the corner at the intersection of two hallways, right across the hallway from my exam room.  Only 4 steps away basically.

Since my appointment was first thing in the morning and I had my thyroid bloodwork done earlier in the morning, I hadn't had anything to eat.  I compensated by drinking a bunch of water and I was pretty proud of myself that despite not being to see what I was doing, I was able to (sorry in advance if this is an overshare, but it is kind of pertinent to the story) produce a decent sample without peeing all over myself.

A personal triumph.

NOTE:  I don't embarrass easily.  If this was too much information for you, I apologize.  My mom is probably thoroughly embarrassed for me at this point but that doesn't matter because she barely reads my blog.  What does that say when your own mother doesn't even read it?  Anyway...

I washed my hands, grabbed my full cup and opened the door.

I take a step out of the door way and a very tall man comes tearing around the corner, at full speed, of course completely cutting the corner (alliteration much?).

I could see it happening in slow motion.  Total panic crept up for a few reasons:  1)  There was no way I was going to be able to provide another sample anytime soon, 2) I really didn't want pee all over myself and 3) of course this kind of thing would happen when I have a FULL cup.

I stopped and thankfully, the man stopped.

"WHOA!  Sorry," he says.

The only response I could think of was, "That could have been REALLY bad."

Everyone laughed.

What did I want to say?  "Hey dumby... maybe you DON'T walk at full speed around the corner by the bathroom that gets used for this VERY purpose like 50 times a day?"

The CNA after I got back into my exam room (who witnessed the near miss along with my husband) said, "We need those corner mirrors there" followed by "That guy is always walking really fast."

Well maybe his almost urine bath has taught him a lesson.

I sure learned one:  Next time, I'm checking around the corner and talking loudly before I step out of the bathroom.

A Bad Dream

I've had some weird pregnancy dreams.  Some of them have been so weird that when I wake up and tell Phil, he looks at me and says, "Yeah... don't repeat that to anyone."

So I don't.

Last night, I had a bad dream.

I dreamt that I had the baby right now, he was 16 pounds (which is terrifying) and then he died.

Obviously, the dream woke me up.  Unfortunately, it returned every time I fell back asleep for the rest of the night.

I hate dreams like that.  You wake feeling vulnerable and scared.  It doesn't matter that I know the odds of any of those things happening is extremely small (especially the part about having a 16 pound baby).  The emotions during the dreams are so strong, you just can't shake them.

This was definitely not a great way to start my day.

Thankfully, the little man has been doing everything he can to let me know that he is more than alright.  We've had a nice little morning of lots of gentle little movements.  Nothing painful or jarring (not like last night when he moved into a position that made it totally impossible to sit down without pain).

Already, he's such a good boy.  :)

{From our February ultrasound.  

He can go ahead and stay in there until he's good and ready to greet the world.  

But hopefully that's before he weighs 16 pounds.}

Thursday?

A part of me can't believe it is already Thursday and another part of me can.  This week has been jam-packed with activities and I am seriously looking forward to our weekend that has NOTHING planned for BOTH Saturday AND Sunday.  Whoa that was a lot of caps.  But it needed to be done.  We haven't had an entirely free weekend for at least 10 weeks.  All the free time almost makes me want to cry with joy.

What has this week entailed?  I'm so glad you asked...

I'll just tell you what we did Monday.

To celebrate being finished with our Bradley Class, we decided to take another class!  It was a one-night Baby Care and Feeding Class at the Hospital.  I've never had a newborn before, so I am always ready to soak up more knowledge on how to take care of one.  And since Phil has had VERY little exposure to babies in his life, he really wanted more information.  We are nerds... we like research.

We walked into the class and immediately had to grab a doll to practice with.  Phil grabbed the darkest skinned baby doll available, which I thought was funny.  We then proceeded to talk about how each of us would have some serious concerns if our baby was that color.  I believe Phil said to me that I would have a lot of explaining to do.  I agreed with him.  However, I know this won't be an issue and our child will be as pasty and white as we are.

We passed the class with flying colors and left feeling like we won't actually kill or harm our future newborn with our ignorance.  Money well spent.

The class did, however, completely freak me out about SIDS.  I mean, I had known about SIDS and have actually known someone who lost their baby to SIDS, but it wasn't really something I was too terribly worried about.  If you know me in person, you'd know this is a small miracle.  I'm completely and totally anxious about almost everything.  And class woke the anxiety beast in me.

It just so happens that the next day or so, I saw a couple of bloggers mention the Snuza Halo Baby Movement Monitor and I am seriously considering purchasing it.

Sure, it's over $100 (seriously Amazon raised the price $10 since Phil and I looked at it last night), but I think the fact that I won't be sleeping at all because I'll be monitoring my baby's every breath might make it money well spent.  Therapy costs more than that.

Alright, I just thoroughly talked myself into it.

Do any of you have any experience with a monitor like this one?

Happy Thursday!!

Cleaning is Expensive

Sunday morning I was overcome with an intense need to scrub the kitchen sink, hand scrub the entire kitchen floor, and finish all the laundry.  We have a VERY busy afternoon/evening scheduled, so I needed to move quickly because GOD FORBID any of these super important tasks not be completed.  The world may have come to an end.

Can we say nesting?

I got up, put on my robe, threw my phone in my robe pocket and headed downstairs to eat and start the mad dash to finish my very rational to-do list.

After breakfast, I tackled the sink first (which made the least sense later when I realized that I poured dirty floor water down my recently cleaned sink).  A little Comet, a little elbow grease, and the sink looked like new.  I had however, gotten Comet ALL OVER the front of my robe.

Thank goodness I was doing laundry, I thought to myself.  I'll just throw it in the last load.

Cue 2 hours later... I had cleaned the sink, scrubbed the floor, gotten all the laundry through the wash, folded and put away half of it, cleaned out some kitchen cupboards, one bathroom cabinet, and cleaned off all the kitchen counter tops (I also showered, but that's a minor detail).  It was time to dash out the door.  We wouldn't be home for like 9 hours, so I needed to make sure I had everything I needed.

Where did I put my phone?

Oh crap...  I never checked my robe pocket.  My robe, which was in the washing machine.  About to begin the final spin.  We stopped the cycle and waited (impatiently) for the water to drain so the door would open, knowing that we needed to head out the door.

Please please PLEASE don't let my phone be in there.

Phil and I pull out the sopping wet items from the washer including my phone.  My barely 6 months old iPhone 5.

I was livid.  How could I have done that?  I ALWAYS put my phone in my robe pocket, I should have known better.  How much were they going to charge me for a new phone?  We have been so good about saving money, I really don't want to blow all of it on a new phone.  How am I going to handle not having a phone?  What if someone calls me?

We shoved the phone in a bag of rice, hopped in the car, and sped off for our very busy Sunday afternoon/evening.

I was so mad at myself.  Phil spent pretty much the next several hours trying to calm me down.  It wasn't just the money or the inconvenience, it was the hormones.  And then the spousal guilt.  If the roles had been reversed, I would have been pissed at him and here he was comforting me and not mad at me at all.  It was another example of how wonderful of a man I married and how much growing I need to do as a wife and person.

When we finally got home at 9 Sunday evening, I had calmed down a little, but the hormones kept on pumping.  I'm not sure I ever really calmed down.  And at that point, it had nothing to do with my phone and EVERYTHING to do with how wonderful my husband was.

Phil did some research, told me it wouldn't be as expensive as I originally thought to get it fixed, told me he would take care of it first thing the next morning, got me some cookies and milk, and put me to bed.  He didn't know I stayed up another 2 hours, oscillating between exhaustion and then crying over the kind, thoughtful, and amazing man who loves me.

So here's what I learned from my expensive sink cleaning experience:
1.  My husband is even more amazing than I give him credit for.
2.  I'll never put my phone in the washing machine again.
3.  My husband is the better spouse, and I need to work harder to be better for him.
4.  Pregnancy hormones can be a real B*$#h.

At least my sink looks really good.

*Truth be told, I kind of think this would have happened eventually to me anyway.  If not now, it would have been in like 4 months when I have a newborn and am doing laundry every single day, half asleep.  At least this way, I didn't lose any pictures of my baby (just some of Cotton) and Phil had the time and energy to deal with it for me.  Now I feel like I'm more likely to NOT do it again.

What to Write?

Blogging has been a bit of a challenge for me lately.  It's a combination of things, really which I will now outline for you (because I know you want to know):

1.  I'm tired.  Like all of the time.  And if we are being honest, I've been tired for almost 2 years, since my thyroid started going bananas.  If you've never dealt with thyroid issues, then you'll just have to believe me when I say it messes with your sleep.  I was just starting to feel great and sleep again when I got pregnant (maybe that had something to do with it, who knows).  I'm not complaining about being pregnant, but more stating a fact that I'm tired and that usually means when I get home I am lucky to get one thing done.  I haven't even touched my computer at home in like 2 weeks.  And I haven't even had the energy to download the pictures and share about the AMAZING baby shower my best friend and sister-in-law threw for me this weekend.  I need to do that.

2.  I'm experiencing a lot of emotions these days.  I wasn't moody/hormonal in the beginning of my pregnancy and I think now I am making up for it.  Poor Phil.  He's handling it like a champ.  But I haven't exactly felt like writing about how I've been feeling.  And it is partially because I'm afraid to admit it and also because it's hard to be vulnerable and open sometimes.  And I worry that people won't want to read about it.

3.  Since I've been too tired to do much, I haven't gotten a lot of progress done on the nursery so I can't blog about that.  And I'm not sure people want to read about my feelings, so I haven't felt like blogging about that.  That pretty much leaves blogging about my dogs.  And I REALLY don't think a ton of people enjoy reading about them as much as they ought to.  They are pretty cool dogs.  I mean, seriously... if you met them, you'd love them.  Everyone does.  I constantly have offers from people to keep Taylor, because she is that good and sweet of a dog.  And Cotton has turned my parents (who are NOT animal people) into his biggest fans. My mom even said she'd come to the dog park with me.  That's unheard of.

Why wouldn't you read to read about this:

Taylor takes the term "loveseat" a little literally, laying all seductively for Cotton.  And it worked:

Dog make-out sesh, on the loveseat.


Why anyone wouldn't be thoroughly entertained by the exploits of our dogs is beyond me.  But whatever.  People can't find the simple joy in things I guess.

Anyway... I've decided that I am going to spend a little time to write a variety of blog posts.  Some will include the teeny tiny baby-steps worth of progress we have made on the nursery.  Some will include the emotional roller-coaster I have been on.  Some will include my new obsession with jars and my dogs.  Whatever.  It's my blog and I can write whatever I want, right?  :)

Mid-Week Randomness

I've had even more blog silence than I normally do the last couple of days.  Honestly, we spent the weekend staying home, away from the ever-growing amount of sick people.  Phil and I each had a list of things we needed to get done.  His included one nursery project and some work.  My "list" involved reading a book for our Bradley class.

I made it through the book.  But that is hardly anything to blog about.  BELIEVE ME.  It was one of those books that was twice as long as it needed to be.  Similar to Twilight, in my opinion.  It's actually a book for the husbands to read, but Phil is so crazy busy right now, he doesn't have the time.  So basically, I read it, told him some things I was reading and then pointed out the 2 chapters I felt were really important that he should read.

Nesting is really starting to descend upon me.  This is evident by the fact that I have cleaned the bath tub more times in the last 3 weeks than I did in the last 3 months, the laundry is all caught up and folded, and I'm having a really strong urge to scrub (by hard) all non-carpeted surfaces.

I've been fighting the urge to nest because I feel like one of the best defenses against getting sick is to rest and drink as many fluids as I can stand.  So far, this is working for me.  I thought a lot of people were sick last week, but it only got worse as the days progressed.  Barely anyone in my office is healthy at the moment.  I feel doomed.  It's likely to strike at the worst possible moment (like right before my baby shower or my maternity pictures or something).

Wish me luck staying healthy!

3rd Trimester!

As of Saturday, we are officially in the 3rd trimester!!

I'm so excited to be in the "home stretch" but it also feels like 12 weeks is still a long time.  I know it isn't and that May will be here before we know it.  I'm just so excited to meet our little man!  On the same note, I don't want him to come out a single day before he's supposed to.  He can stay in there and get nice and strong as long as he needs.

We had a doctor's appointment on Friday and found out that the little guy is already head down.  Such a good baby already.  I guess it is normal for babies to get themselves into position between 24 and 28 weeks.  And my doctor said he isn't likely to flip.  And once she pointed out the location of his head and how low it was, she definitely thought he wasn't likely to flip.  He's WAY low and using my bladder as a pillow.

The other thing we discussed at the appointment is the fact that I retain water like a champion.  Apparently she had noticed her patients with thyroid disorders have a problem with water retention.  I noticed a problem with water retention way before I got pregnant, so I can believe it.  However, since it took more than 3 liters of water to stay not bloated before I was pregnant, I'm not sure how much it will take now that I am.  I'm also not sure how many trips to the bathroom that will cause.

My excellent water retention has made me not that excited to take any pictures of myself.  But I decided I should probably put another one up since it has been a while.  This was the best I could do last week:

It takes a lot of concentration sometimes.  Plus that particular bra has officially given up it's will to live.

I'm so excited we only have 3 months left.  Overall, this pregnancy really hasn't been that bad.  Sure, I have some aches and pains.  But really isn't hasn't been anything out of the ordinary (I think).

12 weeks left!