Friday, May 25, 2012

More than just a Puppy

I realized on my way home last night that I was feeling like the girl in Mean Girls with all of the feelings.  You know which one:

{Image from HERE}

And that really is how I have been feeling.  I am the perfect combination of sad events and lots of hormones and it is DANGEROUS.  It's really only dangerous if you don't want to witness me bursting into tears over a commercial or my coworkers or the idea of the puppies dying or mentally disabled people (all of which have brought me close to tears in the last couple of days).

When Phil and I decided to get a puppy, it was supposed to be like a celebration.  We knew that we wouldn't be getting the dog until after I was done with all the thyroid cancer treatment stuff.  And since we wouldn't be able to move towards having a baby for at least a year, the puppy was kind of like a surrogate baby.

I waited impatiently to get through the second surgery and the recovery process, then through the low-iodine diet and hypothyroidism.  Through the radioactive iodine and the whole body scan.  Two days after we get the results of my scan, the puppies were born.  And a few days after they were born, we decided we would be getting Lincoln.

It felt like our luck was changing and that maybe the hard times were behind us.  We figured the pendulum was beginning to swing in the other direction, in our favor.  As I mentioned before, I was having a hard time accepting that things were actually starting to get better, but I was slowly coming to grips with the fact that maybe we were done with the sadness and entering into a new, Spring-full chapter.

Then the puppies died.

And it felt like the pendulum was still swinging in the wrong direction.  Maybe things weren't getting better, afterall and I was right to be hesitant to feel relieved.  Maybe I am cursed and destined to have all these hard trials.

That was a horrible feeling.

And then I got just really sad.  The dog wasn't just a dog, I had kind of made it a symbol for all the things that I want to move towards: being done with cancer, moving on with life, and having babies.  For how sad I was about the puppy dying, I started to worry about all of the loss and possible heartache that could await us when we do start trying to have a family:

-  IVF can be a super emotional and heartbreaking process.  We could end up spending thousands of dollars just to come out empty-handed.  And with a lot of heartbreak.
-  Or I could get pregnant and have a miscarriage. 
-  Or if we decide to move towards adoption, there is a whole new level of potential heartache there.  We could think we have a baby and have a birth mother change her mind.  Or it could take years to find a baby. 

Thinking about all of the potential loss and sadness that could be awaiting us just seems unbearable at the moment and it all came rushing to me Tuesday night.

But the only way to avoid heartache and loss is to never try for things.  Of course your expectations go up when you are trying to have a baby or, in this case, get a puppy.  Because for the most part, things work out the way they are supposed to.  When they don't, it is disappointing.  But not trying for things that you want in life is no way to live.  And I would hate to think that I am so afraid of loss and sadness that I become unable to live my life.

It is worth the risk of being disappointed.  And when things finally work out, I know the past disappointments will be more than worth it.

{Image from HERE}


  1. I totally get this post!! I have constantly tried to pretend like things are going as they should, and to detach myself from the things that may disappoint me in the end, but it does not work. You can kid others, but deep down, it only hurts more. I always say now feel how you are going to feel. If you are scared be scared, if you are sad, be sad, when you are happy, be happy. In the end you are just as strong feeling how you are going feel, instead of hiding it. I have also thought at times how much more do I need to go through, where will things turn around in life? But I keep pushing through it all. Remember I am here if you ever need to vent ;)

  2. Natalie, (((HUG))). Thank you for sharing your heart. You are so right...sometimes the risk of heartache can paralyze us. But it's also true that the risk is so worth the reward. Thinking of you this morning...and praying for that perfect puppy to come your way soooon :-)

  3. Beautifully written...and oh-so-true. The risks in life are scary, paralyzing even, but the rewards that often come from the those risks? Well, they make it all worth it. Here's to hoping some of those rewards come your way soon!

  4. It makes complete sense why you would be having all of these feelings, and why losing Lincoln would be so hard. But you have in fact, been through a lot, and it's totally okay to have feeling about it. A person can only have so many trials in their lives before they're rewarded. Keep your chin up, your time is very, very close.

  5. Found you blog from Wiegand hop.. LOve for you to follow back when you get a chance. Look forward to exploring your blog some more ;)

  6. More than once I have thrown everything in the wind for a chance at a moment of bliss. I've never regretted it. Even if that moment of bliss didn't always happen. I've endured great losses but I look at where I am currently sitting in life and I wouldn't trade one single heartbreak because I know that every decision, every corner I've turned, even the harshest of times are what brought me here.

    Puppies just aren't meant to be lost... Will you be getting a new puppy or just put all plans on hold until you're with child?

  7. I'm so sorry about the puppies. I struggle with risk vs. reward all the time. I hope you are able to keep going after what you want.


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