For some reason, my planner at work is an academic planner. It goes from July to June. I don't know if the office manager was trying to tell me I need to go back to school, or what. (just kidding, I know that isn't the case.)
I am at the end of the academic year. And I made the lovely mistake of flipping through this last year via my planner.
Notes about doctor's appointments.
Countdowns to our Thanksgiving trip that never happened because we were waiting for what would be bad biopsy results.
Dates for Lab Work.
Dates for surgeries.
Dates for follow-up appointments.
Notes on food to eat and not eat, when to start and stop thyroid medicine.
I have waited almost a year for this thyroid experience to be "over." The truth is that it will never be "over." The cancer is gone, hopefully forever. But I will need check-ups, neck ultrasounds, blood tests, thyroid medicine for the rest of my life. Hopefully that is the extent of my experience with thyroid cancer from this point out. But I will never know.
Then I realized that I am so much stronger now than I was a year ago. So so so so much stronger.
Just because this hard experience is over doesn't mean there won't be hard experiences ahead. But I will get through them, just like I did this time.
There are some definite silver linings from this past year that became SUPER apparent to me as I was flipping through the planner:
1) Phil and I have been through a rough couple of years. And I KNOW that I can be myself, no matter what. All my fears and my hopes are perfectly safe with him. He might think I am crazy, but he doesn't show it. Most marriages don't get to test out the "bad times" part of the vows until much later. We did that already and I know the good times will be amazing.
2) Each of my friends and family have shown a different type of support. And now I know what that support looks like and how to ask for it.
3) I am much more empathetic and vulnerable than I was before. And while I don't like the way it had to happen, I think it was necessary and definitely a good thing.
Stupid planner. It's just a stupid planner.