It was a lovely article and then I noticed there were several comments left by readers at the bottom of the page. And that's when I saw these:
And the sad thing is... this isn't even all of the negative comments. And people actually AGREED with them!!
For obvious reasons, these comments are very hurtful to Phil and I. Not that it matters what a bunch of ignorant
When you go month after month after month of not being able to get pregnant, you very fearfully begin to feel like there is something wrong with you. After all, teenagers are able to get pregnant in the back of their cars during their first time having sex (just watch 16 and Pregnant). Why can't I, an educated married woman who knows more about ovulation than some medical professionals (at this point), get myself knocked up? The idea that Phil and I aren't "supposed" to have a biological baby has definitely crossed our minds.
Apparently it is because nature doesn't want me contributing to the gene pool? There are a ton of hurtful and unworthy people that are able to get pregnant. Osama bin Laden had a bunch of kids. So did Warren Jeffs. Child molesters and murderers have children. Heck... people who kill their OWN CHILDREN can have kids. Drug addicts have kids every day. So nature has decided they can have kids, but I can't? Yeah I don't think so.
Phil and I have talked about pregnancy and conception in depth at this point and because of his background in toxicology, he knows quite a bit about the biology and mechanics of fetal development. It is nothing short of a miracle. The tiniest change during embryo growth can cause a pregnancy to fail. And having watched Braxton be born (as in Joanna let me in the room and now I've seen her lady parts), I don't think anyone can really say that child birth is anything other than miraculous. That was seriously the coolest thing I have ever seen (the childbirth part, not Jo's who-ha). Braxton wasn't an IVF baby, but any child coming into this world, no matter how it happens, isn't a mistake of nature. The comment that there are people on this earth that "shouldn't be here" is ridiculous. I bet if you asked those people who are a product of assisted reproductive treatments, they would say they are pretty excited about the creation of IVF.
As far as adoption goes... I am all for it. I think Phil and I will adopt at some point. We have talked about beginning the adoption process soon, but it doesn't feel like the right step for us. Adoption is IN NO WAY an easy process. Especially compared to natural conception or IVF. Here's why:
- International adoption laws differ based on which country you are looking at. Phil and I aren't old enough to adopt a child in some countries. Not for at least 2 more years. Or we haven't been married long enough. Or we aren't citizens of that country. And if we did find a country, it would still take at least 2 years to get assigned to a child. And then like 6 months after that before the child would be home with us. And we would have to make 2 separate trips (in most cases) to their home country: 1 for the legal adoption process and another to pick the child up. Plus you have to do reports every year for that home country to let them know how the child is doing.
- Adoptions with the state require (almost always) that one of the parents stay at home full-time with the kids. I own a business and Phil is getting his doctorate... I don't think being a stay at home parent (while a great choice for some people) is in the cards for us.
- Private adoptions require you to agree to the terms of the birth parents who "choose" you and can change their minds for up to 6 months after the adoption is final. Someone I know told me that Oregon is currently working on changing that aspect of the law. But currently we could bring home a child and raise it for 6 months, only to have the birth parents change their mind and take the child back. Honestly, I don't know if I could handle that.
- Plus ALL adoptions require background checks, home visits, psychological exams, and financial checks before you can even start down the road to getting a child. I KNOW that doesn't happen for natural child birth.
- I also recently discovered that most adoption agencies really don't like to place a child with a parent who has had cancer. So Phil and I are almost guaranteed to need a family lawyer in order to successfully go through the adoption process.
AND adoption is extremely expensive (more so than IVF), not to mention emotionally draining.
My point about all of this (as if any of you are still reading) is that people can be extremely hurtful when it comes to infertility. I don't know how many times Phil and I have already heard "well if nothing else you can always adopt" as if that is an easy solution to the problem. The truth is that there is no easy solution. And what definitely doesn't help is when people who aren't in our shoes give their unsolicited and totally jackass opinion.
I would never wish this experience on anyone. When people are going through hard and stressful circumstances that are beyond their control whether it is infertility, cancer, money problems, loss, whatever... we as human beings need to step up to the plate and be supportive, not hurtful or judgemental.
If you don't believe in IVF, you don't have to do it. But don't judge me.