Tuesday, June 26, 2012

IVF and Adoption

The other day, I saw a story on MSN.com that the mother of the first IVF baby had died.  Basically, this woman had been trying to have a baby for 9 years and wasn't willing to give up.  She found two doctors that were willing to work with her and try some new things and IVF was born.  Because of her and her tenacity, thousands of babies have been brought into the world.

It was a lovely article and then I noticed there were several comments left by readers at the bottom of the page.  And that's when I saw these:

And the sad thing is... this isn't even all of the negative comments.  And people actually AGREED with them!!
For obvious reasons, these comments are very hurtful to Phil and I.  Not that it matters what a bunch of ignorant assholes jerks anonymously type on their computers while they live their disgusting judgemental lives.  But I think comments like these are part of the reason that infertility is so painful and still very hush-hush.

When you go month after month after month of not being able to get pregnant, you very fearfully begin to feel like there is something wrong with you.  After all, teenagers are able to get pregnant in the back of their cars during their first time having sex (just watch 16 and Pregnant).  Why can't I, an educated married woman who knows more about ovulation than some medical professionals (at this point), get myself knocked up?  The idea that Phil and I aren't "supposed" to have a biological baby has definitely crossed our minds.

Apparently it is because nature doesn't want me contributing to the gene pool?  There are a ton of hurtful and unworthy people that are able to get pregnant.  Osama bin Laden had a bunch of kids.  So did Warren Jeffs.  Child molesters and murderers have children.  Heck... people who kill their OWN CHILDREN can have kids.  Drug addicts have kids every day.  So nature has decided they can have kids, but I can't?  Yeah I don't think so.

Phil and I have talked about pregnancy and conception in depth at this point and because of his background in toxicology, he knows quite a bit about the biology and mechanics of fetal development.  It is nothing short of a miracle.  The tiniest change during embryo growth can cause a pregnancy to fail.  And having watched Braxton be born (as in Joanna let me in the room and now I've seen her lady parts), I don't think anyone can really say that child birth is anything other than miraculous.  That was seriously the coolest thing I have ever seen (the childbirth part, not Jo's who-ha).  Braxton wasn't an IVF baby, but any child coming into this world, no matter how it happens, isn't a mistake of nature.  The comment that there are people on this earth that "shouldn't be here" is ridiculous.  I bet if you asked those people who are a product of assisted reproductive treatments, they would say they are pretty excited about the creation of IVF.

As far as adoption goes... I am all for it.  I think Phil and I will adopt at some point.  We have talked about beginning the adoption process soon, but it doesn't feel like the right step for us.  Adoption is IN NO WAY an easy process.  Especially compared to natural conception or IVF.  Here's why:
- International adoption laws differ based on which country you are looking at.  Phil and I aren't old enough to adopt a child in some countries.  Not for at least 2 more years.  Or we haven't been married long enough.  Or we aren't citizens of that country.  And if we did find a country, it would still take at least 2 years to get assigned to a child.  And then like 6 months after that before the child would be home with us.  And we would have to make 2 separate trips (in most cases) to their home country: 1 for the legal adoption process and another to pick the child up.  Plus you have to do reports every year for that home country to let them know how the child is doing.
- Adoptions with the state require (almost always) that one of the parents stay at home full-time with the kids.  I own a business and Phil is getting his doctorate... I don't think being a stay at home parent (while a great choice for some people) is in the cards for us.
-  Private adoptions require you to agree to the terms of the birth parents who "choose" you and can change their minds for up to 6 months after the adoption is final.  Someone I know told me that Oregon is currently working on changing that aspect of the law.  But currently we could bring home a child and raise it for 6 months, only to have the birth parents change their mind and take the child back.  Honestly, I don't know if I could handle that.
-  Plus ALL adoptions require background checks, home visits, psychological exams, and financial checks before you can even start down the road to getting a child.  I KNOW that doesn't happen for natural child birth.
-  I also recently discovered that most adoption agencies really don't like to place a child with a parent who has had cancer.  So Phil and I are almost guaranteed to need a family lawyer in order to successfully go through the adoption process.
AND adoption is extremely expensive (more so than IVF), not to mention emotionally draining.
My point about all of this (as if any of you are still reading) is that people can be extremely hurtful when it comes to infertility.  I don't know how many times Phil and I have already heard "well if nothing else you can always adopt" as if that is an easy solution to the problem.  The truth is that there is no easy solution.  And what definitely doesn't help is when people who aren't in our shoes give their unsolicited and totally jackass opinion. 
I would never wish this experience on anyone.  When people are going through hard and stressful circumstances that are beyond their control whether it is infertility, cancer, money problems, loss, whatever... we as human beings need to step up to the plate and be supportive, not hurtful or judgemental.
If you don't believe in IVF, you don't have to do it.  But don't judge me.


  1. Rachel @lifeasmrsJune 26, 2012 at 10:29 AM

    Beautiful. Thank you for this. I am just starting the process with the fertility clinic so the information you have provided is very helpful. xoxo Rachel

  2. So true! I know how much you want to be a mommy..and I full heartedly believe whatever decision you and Phil decide to make will be the right one. When the time FINALLY comes, I know you and Phil will be AMAZING parents. Let the haters hate behind the "safe haven" of their computer screen and know that you are a better, stronger person than they will ever be! Love you guys!

  3. There are some pretty judgmental asses in this world. I do believe that some people in this world should def not be allowed to reproduce, they consist of crack whore, and pederasses mainly. But you seem absolutely wonderful and I 10000 percent support you having a sweet baby any way you choose, whether naturally, IVF or adoption!

    I also live in Portland and am excited to be finding other local bloggers.


  4. Hey! Jes sent me...it's nice to meet you! I'm a fellow Portlander, transplanted to Kennewick, WA. I've been here for two and a half years and will actually become a Washingtonian next month (my tags on the ol' VW expire). Hopefully we can still be friends...I don't drive like a Washington person, promise! :) Have an awesome day!

  5. I like this post. I mean, I hate what y'all are going through..I'm sure it's painful and hard and trying and just downright horrible. BUT I like the way you handled this post...people are ignorant. But I think even ignorant people can see where you are coming from when you tell them they don't have to use IVF if they don't think it's a good idea, but don't judge people who are pushed to that bring. It's usually not the first option.. People don't use IVF before trying to conceive naturally. You didn't ask for this situation, you're simply making the best you can with it. And I commend you for standing up for yourself and others in your shoes.

  6. Oh this post. I could write a novel in response. The comments about IVF really hurt my heart, because at one point, I probably would have agreed with them. Then I got baby fever, and the thought of any woman facing infertility tore my heart in half and left me reeling.

    The barriers to adoption are the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen. No family is perfect, but these agencies make it so hard for good, loving people to become parents. Yet I've heard story after story about adopted children being abused and even killed, by their adoptive parents. Maybe these rules they put into place aren't working?

    I'm not going to continue the bitch-fest. But I do wish the best for you and Phil, and I know that however you two choose to have children, they will be raised in such a wonderful, loving home full of nerdy awesomeness.

  7. Thanks for your honesty. I love reading your posts.

  8. As someone who struggled with infertility OMG these comments are infuriating. I did try to adopt, and my husband and I got rejected from multiple agencies for the same reasons you listed above - too young, not married long enough (despite dating for 9 years), not a long enough job history (despite security clearances with the government and super job stability)...it was INSANE the reasons that we couldn't adopt. So thank god for modern medicine for giving me a daughter, because the adoption system is a whole crock of messed up shit! (PS found your blog through Jes, excited to follow along!)

  9. When comments about a topic get that personal to the point of a verbal beating...well...that commenter has lost the battle to get their point across. Long ago I decided that ignorance in that form cannot be fixed so all I can do it believe what I believe and know that those who choose to stay ignorant are doing it for selfish reasons. I am not a Mom and I am 99% sure that I will never be one other than to the furkids. It is a choice I made....just like EVERY WOMAN should have the right to choose whether or not she has kids. If you want to do IVF, that is your choice and someone who decides it's wrong for THEM has no right to tell YOU it's wrong for YOU. Are the comments hurtful? Yes. Would they have the guts to say it to your face. Probably not. That makes them weak, it makes their argument weak as well. That means that you should blow off their comments as weak. Good luck with your treatments. I sincerely hope that you and your husband are successful!

  10. I am so sick and tired of the shame stigma associated with IVF! Thanks so much for this post. Your honesty and openness is the first step towards making the IVF stigma a thing of the past. Good luck to you both. Just found your blog through the Not Mommy Blogs link up- looking forward to reading more!

  11. This is my first time to read your blog. I am so sorry to hear that you and your husband are having a hard time conceiving. I admire your strength in everything you have had to deal with and are still dealing with. People are STUPID, and they always want to spread their ignorance. Keep doing what you are doing, and I will pray for you guys. I wish you the best in this long and stressful journey.

  12. I try to stay away from the comments section of any blog or message board for precisely that reason. I am in the opposite boat as you - I don't want kids, never wanted kids. Online I have been called many names, been told I am a selfish monster, etc. It doesn't matter what your particular problem is, there will always be some ignorant asshole on the Internet who thinks s/he knows best what is best for you and is completely willing to share their opinion. I find most times they are of the uneducated, weak-minded variety that use their hate and morals as a platform to sound informed and smart, but that's a rant for another day. Do what is best for you, and your family.

  13. Thank you for sharing the link to this post on my blog. I appreciate you writing about this to shed some light on the subject for people. Those comments are the product of ignorant, hateful people! I was appalled when I read them. Wow! I'm still angry.

  14. I followed the link from Jessah's blog. Wow. Some people are just ignorant, simply put. Those comments are beyond rediculous. I love how you addressed this, although I am sorry you and your husband have had to go down this awful infertility road.


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