As of Tuesday, it has been six months since my second surgery. It was the first step in doing everything I possibly could to beat thyroid cancer for good.
I don't want to get too dramatic or anything but it seems like so much longer than just 6 months ago. And it isn't that a lot has happened since then. But then again it feels like a lot has happened.
Sometimes I feel like I have lived years worth of life since last July. I finally felt like I was able to breathe again and here I am... Waiting for tests. The exact place kind of I was this time last year.
My friend Danielle said it best: "I thought you were done with this thyroid cancer chapter of your life. And it just keeps going."
And while it can be really depressing and overwhelming to think about, one of the hardest parts are the changes the past year has brought to my life. I am constantly struggling with feelings of guilt for the things I am not adequately doing.
I look down and notice my stomach is a little softer than it has been in a few years. I don't even want to think about how painful and impossible it would be to try and run for more than 15 seconds.
I find the clothes I bought after a lost a bunch of weight for the wedding are getting a little more snug.
Before the diet, I was constantly searching for the easiest meal that could be made rather than taking the time to make some healthy and delicious myself.
My laundry is seldom done. The bathrooms aren't cleaned enough. The floor doesn't get vacuumed as much as it should.
I do the best that I can at work, but constantly feel like I should be working more hours, with more focus, or at a quicker pace.
While some relationships have been strengthened through this process, I'd say more often than not my relationships have been negatively affected. It's partially because I don't just don't have the energy to devote to them and partially because things are just different now.
I can't do everything.
I need to remember that things are REALLY hard right now. For some reason, so many things are happening all at once. And I need to allow myself the opportunity to just kind of hunker down and take care of myself. If that means the house doesn't get clean, then it doesn't get clean. If that means I don't bring work home with me, then I shouldn't bring work home with me (extenuating circumstances excluded). And if that means sometimes I don't answer the phone or respond to texts/e-mails, then that is fine too.
Basically, I need to cut myself some slack and give myself a break. Even if other people don't think I should. Right now... I need it.