Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Fitting In

I have been finding it really hard to relate to people lately.  I am not really sure where I fit. 

-  I don't have kids, so mommy groups are out. 

-  I'm too tired to finish any projects, so I can't be a crafty kind of person. 

-  Seeing as I wear dress pants and blazers almost every day of the week, fashion posts would get boring fast.

-  While I am still a newlywed, the harsh realities of Ed's Liver Cancer, infertility, and Thyroid Cancer kind of took away the honeymoon "life is sunshine and daisies.  Unicorns and glitter" phase from us.

-  Since we have been banned from pursuing fertility treatments (which we were about to start when my nodules were discovered) for at LEAST a year and a half, I don't fit into the infertility blogging community as well.  Of course, I am not sure how detailed I would get about that anyway since I am sure no one wants to know what cycle day (or CD) I am on.

-  I'm not even sure how I feel about my own cancer.  My father-in-law has Liver Cancer.  That is serious stuff.  Usually you hear of people having Liver Cancer and they only live a few more months.  Thankfully (in a weird way), Ed's liver ruptured and that has most likely given him more time.  I have Thyroid Cancer.  The "good" kind of cancer.  As everyone keeps saying, "If you have to have cancer, Thyroid Cancer is the one you want to have."

So I am supposed to feel grateful?  I am grateful to have to a kind of cancer with a great prognosis.  But am I supposed to be grateful that I have Thyroid Cancer?  Is it not a big deal because most likely, I will be fine?

It is a big deal to me.

I know it isn't good to let cancer take over your life and steal your identity, but I am finding that REALLY hard to do with Thyroid Cancer.  My lack of thyroid hormones is drying out my skin, causing my hair to dry out and break off, making me exhausted (and look exhausted), making it impossible to remember things, making me gain weight, making me too tired to move or even think about moving, messing with my hormones (read: more frequent periods and SUPER emotional.  Just what every girl wants), making me depressed, and making me freezing cold ALL THE TIME.

It is making it really hard to remember and hold on to all of the wonderful things about myself.  :)

And it is about to get a lot worse.

But it has to be done.  I have to let it consume my life for the next couple of months so that it won't be factor in the rest of my life.

So for the next couple of months, I won't really fit in anywhere.  I will be in my own little space, doing what I need to do, waiting to get through this Thyroid Cancer stuff.

I hope you'll stick it out with me.


  1. Found you via Erin. Very cute blog :)


  2. Wow! That is some hard things you are going through but I can only think of all the good blessings that will come of all your trials. I'll say a little prayer for you and your hubby so you can both be safe! As for your blog and where you fit in I think you have a perfect little blog just the where you are :)

    (totally a new follower not a stalker fyi)

  3. Thinking of you during this difficult time, Mrs J.

    It is strange not knowing your own body, having it be almost alien to you - not functioning the way it should. It must be such a helpless feeling, and it sucks that you have to go through it. It's so hard to say that - "this sucks". But, sometimes it's all you can say.

    I hope all works out, and keep your eyes forward, to the day you wake up and feel good again. Because that day WILL come!

  4. Don't worry about fitting in. I know all about not fitting in, especially in the blogging world. Your blog is lovely and interesting, maybe because you don't fit in. I hope you'll feel better about things soon.


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