I'm glad I'm married

Phil read me a status update of one of his Facebook friends who recently signed up for online dating.  She posted an e-mail she had gotten from someone who was apparently very taken with her online dating profile.  Here is his e-mail:

"I came across your profile and was quite enamored by such an articulate and heavenly blessed beauty. I would be kicking myself if I didn't ask, so I was wondering if you would accept an engagement of witty banter between two intellectuals? Of course this "engagement" may start off as purely platonic but my sensual desires will...l most likely guide our cohesive unity down more erotic, lascivious, and sexual paths that will include but are not limited to passionate make out sessions under the star lit sky, dry humping, fondling each others naughty parts, and an abundance of new uncharted sexual positions where I assert my pure dominance in establishing a realm of absolute sovereignty in your nether regions.



Is this something you would be interested in pursuing"

There are so many disturbing things in this e-mail.

-  I imagine this guy with a woman in a hole somewhere and he is feeding her doughnuts while instructing her to put on more lotion.

-  The real selling point of this was when he mentioned dry humping.

-  Or maybe it was the idea of him asserting his dominance and absolute sovereignty.

-  Phil and I are pretty sure this guy likes Renaissance fairs and is a frequent LARP-er.

-  This is so the OPPOSITE of You've Got Mail.



Phil... Don't ever leave me.